That friggin book.

I've been reading The Journey of Desire by John Elderidge. Now I've realized that, once again, I've been sitting over here in my little corner settling for what I deem is a nice, secure, stable life--but that's the problem. That idea is merely "nice." Meanwhile, there is something deep within my soul that occasionally manages to break through the settling-for-"nice" and washes over me like a wave, and I realize that my deepest passion is NOT to settle down, have a stable life, be conventional, whatever. And that is a good thing. What Mr. Elderidge is saying in his book is that human beings are creatures of desire; we long for a better world--essentially, for the paradise that was lost--and we spiritually kill ourselves when we merely settle for mindless living. What Jesus was offering, he points out, was Life--appealing to that desire inside of us; whereas the Pharisees were offering religion as a kind of duty--following rules and obeying regulations as a means to "life."

So then I come to this realization that, hey, I'm doing this too--focusing more on religion as an anti-sin than religion as Life. And yes, there is a difference. A big one. Then when I'm reading this book I realize that I'm merely settling in my own head: There is so much more that I want to do than to have a steady job and live in a nice little apartment and sit around, go to work, come home, watch TV, go to bed, wake up the next day, repeat. I've been doing that all summer (minus the nice little apartment, I guess =P) and I realize that I've wasted two months of my life. There is nothing I fear more than waking up one day, being forty-two years old, realizing that I'm tied down by things that I thought would satisfy me and that I've pissed away half my life without having ever truly lived. I guess that's everyone's fear, but now it's got me more strongly than ever--well, maybe not in fear form, but in "I just realized that this is not what I want" form.

And then another part of me realizes that in planning my life so extensively, I'm afraid that I might be trying to pull Aaron down into that murk with me. And that terrifies me. I want him to Live too, not to be stuck in some job that just pays the bills in order to make him and/or me happy. I feel like I've been subversive in some way that even I wasn't fully conscious of ...

I dunno. I guess I need to finish reading my book and see this thing through to the end.

I haven't blogged in a while.

Aaron's back. Sometimes it's odd to think that I actually get to see him once a week. =P After going for so long without getting to see him, I'm just like ... "Hey, I get to see him again? Sweet." =P

Still working at the library. Still loving it. Carts of children's books, however, are brutal, because you can fit five or six in the space that a mid-sized fiction book would take up, so it takes about twice as long to do one children's cart. And that's about all I had to do today. >.< Urgh. But hey, I could be having to ... I dunno ... work in a tannery. I saw that on Dirty Jobs the other night. I don't think that I would survive.

So I checked out "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Getting a Tattoo" from the library yesterday just because it was interesting (I'm not planning on getting a tattoo anytime soon ... that's a little further down the road =P). Did you know that it stays in place because the phagocytes (little organelles that "eat" invaders of the cell) eat the ink and hold it in place? I didn't know that. Thought it was pretty interesting.

I'm on a bit of a Hellboy kick. I still kind of want to go to Hastings and see if they've gotten the movie back in yet, but I don't feel like driving across town ... darn.

I also feel like writing stories again, but the worst part is trying to start them--and I can't get past that. It's been driving me crazy. Maybe at some point I'll be able to break the writer's block and get a decent story going ... oh well.

Yep. That's about all that's been up recently.

Good day!

Several reasons:

(1) AARON'S HOME! :D I'm so excited. This is more exciting than Christmas. =P And that's really saying something. So ... I'm going to go see him Friday-Saturday of this week. I'm quite excited.

(2) The whole schedule thing at work turned out to be nothing! They just accidentally transposed my schedule with another person's on that printout. So I was right, I actually had those days off, and I wasn't supposed to come in to work (well, unless I just felt like it). So I worried myself over nothing. But hey, at least I don't have anything to worry about, and because I went in this morning to talk to my supervisor I just decided to stick around and go ahead and get my four hours in from 9-1. So now I'm done with work for the day. Hooray!

(3) I'm probably going to hang out with Wyatt (not Wyatt that you've met, Ana, a different one) tonight and catch up with him. I don't think I've seen him since December ... it'll be good times.

So yes. This counteracts the Sucky Saturday. Awesome.

Oh goodness.

Terrible day.

(1) Kid that I haven't seen since Jr High--name of David Reinhardt (different guy than ex-boyfriend David)--calls me out of the blue and wants to go to the drive-in with me. I, in my infinite genius, go, "Dur, okay." So I've been beating myself up about that all day. Lucky for me I realized at work that I was like, I really don't want to hang out with him, I think he's pulling a Tom on me and trying to very straightforward-ly (yes, that is so a word now) and rather awkwardly pick me up. Come to find out my dad didn't really want me to go either, mostly because I haven't seen David in years and he might be a total creep now. Plus, I would've felt bad if I did go because it so clearly seemed like he wanted a date, when I already have a boyfriend, and Aaron would have been justifiably upset (even though he understands that I'm not cheating on him, I know there would've been hurt feelings because I have little experience with boys and don't know how to tactfully say no). But it's okay, because here's what happens: David calls me back; I tell him I'm sorry to flake out on him (not really) but I had a terrible day at work and I'm going to bed early tonight (mostly true), and I also casually mention that at some point next week I'm going to go visit my boyfriend. Score one for me. Or something. =P So that problem's solved, I guess. For now.

(2) I get to work and find out that I was actually schedule to work three days that I didn't come in, because I thought that I had those days off. So I naturally freaked out. Called my dad on my break and asked him what the heck I was supposed to do, and he told me to leave a note for my supervisor (she wasn't in today--of course) and go see her on Monday morning to apologize/figure out what the heck happened. Just sos ya know, last time I saw a schedule before today, it said that I had Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of this past week off; I go and look at the schedule today and it said I was supposed to work on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Apparently they changed the schedule when I wasn't there. And they never called me to tell me to come to work ... soooo ... I guess I might as well stop worrying now, because there's nothing else I can do about it.

(3) Some rather mentally slow man with a stutter asked me for my phone number today, and afterward I kept hiding from him. So that just stressed me out even more. He was talking to all the library girls working today. I just hid in the back and ran around when he wasn't looking ... but that still stresses me out. Ugh. :(

Yep. It was kind of a sucky day, but things are looking up now, anyway. I reckon.

It probably bears mentioning.

Aaron's quitting the band when he gets back from tour. He's tired of putting up with people's crap (not everyone ... just one person who shall go unnamed). So ... yeah. It's ironic; he's actually doing better now, or at least enjoying himself more, because he doesn't care if "people" give him crap because he's not going to be in the band after tour. Oh, the irony.

But yeah. I guess the plus side is that he wants to get a part-time job and start going to school now. But he's pretty secure in what he's doing (as in, he's pretty secure in wanting to leave the band--it's his decision and no one else's), and I'm happy for him in that respect, but I'm also sad for him in that it's the end of an era. I've been there before--watched the death of SkaSkank--and that wasn't even as bad, because we were never as serious, never went as far, never lasted as long. So yeah.

Yep. I just figured it was worth mentioning ...

A good day.

And on that note, Ana, don't worry, the crazy only lasted for about an hour. By the time I got to work that day I was doing okay. =P And I should probably rephrase "not thinking about it" as "not worrying about it," which is more along the lines of what you described to me (very good advice, by the way =P).

But today was great! Aaron's little sister had a band concert this morning (she's been at McMurry band camp all week), and she did great. She has a fancy wooden clarinet that they got ridiculously cheap through magic Army channels. =P It was funny, they called me this morning at 8:45, and I was like ... "hrrrunnnfdmsaklfr?" When I got there Aaron's dad was waiting outside for me, and when I got up in the bleachers I didn't even recognize Austin (Aaron's older brother). It took me a moment to realize who he was. =P But I had a good time, and I realized just how much I've missed my second family. Afterward we went and ate lunch at Golden Corral. It was a grand day.

By the way, Ana, since I know you're reading this, Austin is single. Haha. ;) Plus, I told him that I'd start spreading his name around, so at the very least you're gonna have to help me get word out. He said he wants a good girl. He's tired of bad girls. =P

I think I just realized that Aaron is still a real person.

He's on the far right, in the red shirt. This is the first--and only--picture of him on tour that I have seen thus far (it was taken by April and posted on her MySpace). Granted, it's from the very first day, which is why everyone is so clean-shaven and still somewhat cheerful-looking--and yes, that's Billy Spears in a miniskirt and fishnets. A sight I wish I would never have seen. =P

But all the same. All of a sudden I realized that Aaron is still a real person or something. Do you know how long it's been since I've seen him? Memorial Day--May 26th, I believe--was the last time I was in Ranger. Actually, I saw him again the day after that, the 27th, whenever he and Jeremy came to Abilene for last-minute tour shopping, but I didn't really get any private time with him then because he came with someone else. Plus, there was a storm rolling in that night, so the rain kind of curtailed hanging out.

I think that I've survived so far by not thinking about it, because all of a sudden a fresh wave of missing him like crazy has washed over me. I was doing okay in not thinking about it. Now I'm going crazy all over again. =(