Life and stuff.

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

So come to realize that things have gotten out of hand again; I had my entire life--or at least enough of it to seem like my entire life--planned out again, and how hollow and unsatisfying it was. Or maybe the problem is rather that it was entirely too satisfying. I wrote it down in my notebook during Methods--that's how eerily planned out it was:

1. Graduate from Hardin-Simmons in December of 2010 with a bachelor's (BBS) in theology and a Spanish minor and get a job as a youth minister, or some other steady one in the church, or at least find a steady job relating to the Spanish minor.
2. Get married in March or April of 2011 and move with Aaron to wherever he wants to finish school, where hopefully I'll have the steady job mentioned in point 1.
3. Rinse and repeat. (?)

So my life has been reduced to a set of instructions that could be printed on the back of a spiritual shampoo bottle. And the scary thing is that the idea that I have to be Uberchristian--the perfect Christian--has reared its ugly head once again and caught me hook, line, and sinker without my noticing it until now. Because while going through points 1 through three, I'm also supposed to: have perfect doctrine, apply it perfectly in my life, have perfect Christian discipline all the time and be perfectly content with it.

Where the hell has life gone?

In finding my life--in planning it all out--I lost it--the freedom to live in Christ, here and now, to enjoy the life that God has given me. Somehow I started clinging once again to the idea of the Uberchristian, that I'm 100% perfect 100% of the time or I'm no Christian at all.

Good lord. It's the Emily Miculkaitis flaring up again.

That is the exact language of Emily Miculkaitis. I can point you, or myself for that matter, toward things I wrote in freshman and sophomore years of high school that say exactly the same thing: "I feel like I have to be 100% perfect 100% of the time." And I had so discounted the Emily Miculkaitis since WorldChangers, thinking that I'd defeated it once and for all, that it never even appeared on the radar as the source of these problems. Aw, crap.

Well, at least once you see something for what it really is, it no longer has any power over you. Funny thing, deception. When you realize that you're being deceived, you're not deceived anymore.

I haven't blogged since dinosaurs ruled the Earth.

I'm so ridiculously busy that I haven't even had time to write about how ridiculously busy I am. Pretty much, I go to class from 9 t0 5, go to work from 5 to 9, and then come back to school and do homework until midnight (or 2:30, it depends how much homework I have). The first time I got out in a while, just for the heck of it, was when I hung out with Caitlyn on my birthday. I think that I need to get out more. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy, or Emily a dull girl, or however you want to put it. Seriously. "Srsly guysh!"