Good day!

Several reasons:

(1) AARON'S HOME! :D I'm so excited. This is more exciting than Christmas. =P And that's really saying something. So ... I'm going to go see him Friday-Saturday of this week. I'm quite excited.

(2) The whole schedule thing at work turned out to be nothing! They just accidentally transposed my schedule with another person's on that printout. So I was right, I actually had those days off, and I wasn't supposed to come in to work (well, unless I just felt like it). So I worried myself over nothing. But hey, at least I don't have anything to worry about, and because I went in this morning to talk to my supervisor I just decided to stick around and go ahead and get my four hours in from 9-1. So now I'm done with work for the day. Hooray!

(3) I'm probably going to hang out with Wyatt (not Wyatt that you've met, Ana, a different one) tonight and catch up with him. I don't think I've seen him since December ... it'll be good times.

So yes. This counteracts the Sucky Saturday. Awesome.

Oh goodness.

Terrible day.

(1) Kid that I haven't seen since Jr High--name of David Reinhardt (different guy than ex-boyfriend David)--calls me out of the blue and wants to go to the drive-in with me. I, in my infinite genius, go, "Dur, okay." So I've been beating myself up about that all day. Lucky for me I realized at work that I was like, I really don't want to hang out with him, I think he's pulling a Tom on me and trying to very straightforward-ly (yes, that is so a word now) and rather awkwardly pick me up. Come to find out my dad didn't really want me to go either, mostly because I haven't seen David in years and he might be a total creep now. Plus, I would've felt bad if I did go because it so clearly seemed like he wanted a date, when I already have a boyfriend, and Aaron would have been justifiably upset (even though he understands that I'm not cheating on him, I know there would've been hurt feelings because I have little experience with boys and don't know how to tactfully say no). But it's okay, because here's what happens: David calls me back; I tell him I'm sorry to flake out on him (not really) but I had a terrible day at work and I'm going to bed early tonight (mostly true), and I also casually mention that at some point next week I'm going to go visit my boyfriend. Score one for me. Or something. =P So that problem's solved, I guess. For now.

(2) I get to work and find out that I was actually schedule to work three days that I didn't come in, because I thought that I had those days off. So I naturally freaked out. Called my dad on my break and asked him what the heck I was supposed to do, and he told me to leave a note for my supervisor (she wasn't in today--of course) and go see her on Monday morning to apologize/figure out what the heck happened. Just sos ya know, last time I saw a schedule before today, it said that I had Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of this past week off; I go and look at the schedule today and it said I was supposed to work on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Apparently they changed the schedule when I wasn't there. And they never called me to tell me to come to work ... soooo ... I guess I might as well stop worrying now, because there's nothing else I can do about it.

(3) Some rather mentally slow man with a stutter asked me for my phone number today, and afterward I kept hiding from him. So that just stressed me out even more. He was talking to all the library girls working today. I just hid in the back and ran around when he wasn't looking ... but that still stresses me out. Ugh. :(

Yep. It was kind of a sucky day, but things are looking up now, anyway. I reckon.

It probably bears mentioning.

Aaron's quitting the band when he gets back from tour. He's tired of putting up with people's crap (not everyone ... just one person who shall go unnamed). So ... yeah. It's ironic; he's actually doing better now, or at least enjoying himself more, because he doesn't care if "people" give him crap because he's not going to be in the band after tour. Oh, the irony.

But yeah. I guess the plus side is that he wants to get a part-time job and start going to school now. But he's pretty secure in what he's doing (as in, he's pretty secure in wanting to leave the band--it's his decision and no one else's), and I'm happy for him in that respect, but I'm also sad for him in that it's the end of an era. I've been there before--watched the death of SkaSkank--and that wasn't even as bad, because we were never as serious, never went as far, never lasted as long. So yeah.

Yep. I just figured it was worth mentioning ...

A good day.

And on that note, Ana, don't worry, the crazy only lasted for about an hour. By the time I got to work that day I was doing okay. =P And I should probably rephrase "not thinking about it" as "not worrying about it," which is more along the lines of what you described to me (very good advice, by the way =P).

But today was great! Aaron's little sister had a band concert this morning (she's been at McMurry band camp all week), and she did great. She has a fancy wooden clarinet that they got ridiculously cheap through magic Army channels. =P It was funny, they called me this morning at 8:45, and I was like ... "hrrrunnnfdmsaklfr?" When I got there Aaron's dad was waiting outside for me, and when I got up in the bleachers I didn't even recognize Austin (Aaron's older brother). It took me a moment to realize who he was. =P But I had a good time, and I realized just how much I've missed my second family. Afterward we went and ate lunch at Golden Corral. It was a grand day.

By the way, Ana, since I know you're reading this, Austin is single. Haha. ;) Plus, I told him that I'd start spreading his name around, so at the very least you're gonna have to help me get word out. He said he wants a good girl. He's tired of bad girls. =P

I think I just realized that Aaron is still a real person.

He's on the far right, in the red shirt. This is the first--and only--picture of him on tour that I have seen thus far (it was taken by April and posted on her MySpace). Granted, it's from the very first day, which is why everyone is so clean-shaven and still somewhat cheerful-looking--and yes, that's Billy Spears in a miniskirt and fishnets. A sight I wish I would never have seen. =P

But all the same. All of a sudden I realized that Aaron is still a real person or something. Do you know how long it's been since I've seen him? Memorial Day--May 26th, I believe--was the last time I was in Ranger. Actually, I saw him again the day after that, the 27th, whenever he and Jeremy came to Abilene for last-minute tour shopping, but I didn't really get any private time with him then because he came with someone else. Plus, there was a storm rolling in that night, so the rain kind of curtailed hanging out.

I think that I've survived so far by not thinking about it, because all of a sudden a fresh wave of missing him like crazy has washed over me. I was doing okay in not thinking about it. Now I'm going crazy all over again. =(

Several things.

One: I have passed the "crazy" bump, I believe--in other words, I'm not going crazy about Aaron being gone anymore. They're officially halfway done with tour, or close to being halfway done (within the next day or two), so every step is a step closer to home from here on out ... so yeah. He's still gonna be gone for the next two/two and half weeks, but I think I'll be okay. =P Clearly I made it through this past week even though I didn't think I could. I think we're gonna be alright. =P

Two: ... got to thinking again, and I realized that about half the time I plan my life based on security--you know, get a job working as a youth minister or something, settle down, whatever--and the other half of the time I snap out of it and realize that, right now, I'm only planning on doing that because I seek security. NOT, and it should be noted, because I feel that that's what God is calling me to do. The thing here is that the strongest call I feel right now is to somehow be a minister to the punks. I want to be in music. I feel a calling there right now. And I don't mean "a calling in music" like being a music minister or something ... I mean the nitty-gritty, life on the road, meeting people and showing them (as Nina and her hubby did for LRS) that "Christian" does not equal "asshole." But you can't make a living out of that.

Maybe I'm too obssessed with the idea of finding a career and settling into it right now. I don't think I'm being called to any kind of conventional career, at least not for now ... I guess there's no telling about the future. But then again, I reckon that it kind of makes sense, because since when have I ever been conventional? =P Seriously, though. It's kind of terrifying. It's like a leap into the unknown, and I'm not even there yet (or close to being at that point of decision). At this point, alls I know is that I'm going to finish college and figure it out from there.

I guess, when I think about it, that God doesn't seem to call people to things that they feel comfortable doing. If I stayed in my comfort zone all the time, where would I be? ... I'd probably still be my old misguided-legalistic self, halfway normal (I say halfway because I've never been completely "normal"), definitely not punk, definitely not as open and genuine as I am nowadays. I've come a long way to be this open with people, I think. If I had stayed in my comfort zone--if my world had never inexplicably, for utterly no reason, collapsed on itself--I would still be living in my little shell, my self-made chains, crammed into a spiritual prison cell that I thought was the whole world. I would definitely not be the Emily I am today--I know that for sure. My life has changed too much.

So ... I reckon that all I can do is embrace it, and make that leap when the time comes.

That also kind of throws out my plans of getting married right after college (yes, shoot me ... or roll your eyes at me ... that's what I've been thinking about a lot lately). Which is pretty scary, because that's something that, at this point, I definitely want to do. Buuuuuuut ... God kind of works on his own timing, I reckon. Keeps us on our toes or something. I guess that's not to say that that definitely throws out the idea of getting married or summat; I think that it means, more, that I'm throwing out all my plans and embracing the fact that I really have no idea what God has planned for me. It means that I'm throwing out all my neatly-structured plans and embracing the fact I really have no idea about the future--even further, that the future doesn't functionally exist, that all I have is Now. Today. The present. Life is lived in the moment, you know ... dag. Dag. Dag. ... that's all I can say. I think I just had a minor revelation.

Dag. That kills the wedding lust (it's been running rampant lately, I'll admit it ... but just to you, Ana, since you're probably the only person reading this =P). The wedding lust is very strongly tied in to my plans for a neat and tidy little life that I already have planned out in my head. But life doesn't follow yer plans ... you can't cram it into a tidy square and put it into your day planner. Life kind of happense to you, not the other way around.

That's it. Time for the "Life Won't Wait" tattoo. =P

(On tattoos: I think I decided that some day I'm going to get "Don't let 'em take it all away" on the back of my right arm ... AKA my open-defiance,-screw-you-I'm-going-to-live song by Mustard Plug. =P)

Dang. Well, I guess that God has to give me a kick in the pants from time to time and go, "Hey, you! I didn't call you to live a life of security! You knew when you signed up for this bidness that I got different things in store for you. Just wing it. You should know that by now." =P Goodness. That God guy. He's too clever (and full of incredible smartitude ... things like that). =P

Yep. You just witnessed a minor revelation/reminder in action. Interesting how that works out.

I miss Aaron. =(

It's only been a week since the last time I saw him, but I miss him so much that my heart physically hurts. My memories have become three-dimensional (I don't know how to explain that other than I miss him so much that my memories have taken on a real quality; it's unusual). Since Friday I've felt like I would go absolutely crazy if I didn't see him the next day, but that doesn't change the fact that I won't get to see him until June 23 or 24 at the absolute earliest (that's assuming that they don't get any extra dates and go ahead and come back). Somehow I manage to keep going. I was looking at all the pictures of him in my phone last night, and I was almost floored by the fact that he exists in real life, not just the phone. I miss him so much. =( I can't watch couples; it hurts too much. All I can think about is Aaron. I have become, even more than I already was, unsympathetic to other people's relationship problems in my own head, because I'm like ... "oh no, you only get to see your boyfriend twice a week? I won't get to see mine for a month." And it's not like I can go visit him. He's in a different place every day. =( I wish that I could've gone, but I know that I couldn't have, but what's really unfair to me is that April got to go on tour and I didn't. Because the number-one reason I planned on not being able to go anyway was because no girlfriends were supposed to be allowed. Oops. Funny how that works out. But at least Aaron's having a good time, and I'm happy for him; I just wish that I was there with him ... =(