And then I rambled in a feminist theological strain for a bit.

And other times I really wonder –

that maybe God set me up with an atheist
who doesn't believe in that damned accursèd “complementarianism”
so I could have a space to run around and be free for him.

(and it strikes me as odd that so many men “confessed”
to the sin of not leading in the church –
and the women applauded them?

there's something mighty fucked up about that,
well-intentioned or not.

I think it's the damned accursèd “complementarianism” again.)

My beloved, at least, does not theologically justify
my “submission” to his “will” as my “head” –
(“So what if God told you to go to Africa and Aaron forbid you?
You're supposed to obey your husband.”
Uh … I'd end up in Africa whether Aaron or I liked it or not?)
and funny how in that damned accursèd Complementarianism
the woman always completes the man, and
never vice versa.

(Maybe the man is inferior because his penis is an overgrown clitoris.
Eat that, jerks.)

In any event –

… sometimes I wonder if God set me up with an atheist
so that my beloved would never try to clip my wings
with the words of freedom that I used to spread them.






[And that's what happened after reading a buttload of feminist theology. =P]

And then I found out

that Starkey's pastor was mudered.

ABILENE, TX - Renata Monet had been planning the murder of her church pastor, Karen Lee Johnson, for quite some time, according to Sgt. Lynn Beard of the Abilene Police Department.

The gruesome murder-suicide took place exactly one year after Bob Laloge changed his name to Renata Antoinette Monet.

Late Friday afternoon, Johnson, pastor of Abilene's Unity Church, went to Monet's house to minister to her. Upon entering the house, Johnson was attacked, subdued, and murdered.

Investigators are still working to process Monet's personal writings which contain details of what was to happen.

"It was clearly premeditated to happen on this day (January 22, 2010) for some time," Beard said.

According to her online journal, Monet had fantasized about torturing women since the age of 10.

Johnson's cause of death has been released as a knife to the throat, in addition to multiple stab wounds, but the actual details of the murder will never be released, out of respect for both families, Beard said. Giving the public a step-by-step time line of what happened won't accomplish anything, he explained.

Monet's ultimate cause of death was hanging, according to police.

And it shocks me.

I don't know what to say. She ran crying from the room when Dr. Dorothy mentioned it as a prayer request at the beginning of band. Once again I find myself confronted by the horror and violence of the world, and I recoil, horrified, not knowing how to handle a world where something like this can happen. Pray for the church and the families involved; I'm not sure how prayer works, but I think it does something. Now is the time when we all have to comfort one another.

It's been a while.

I've largely abandoned my blog, in case you haven't noticed. It's all good, it's purely for my own amusement anyway. Except for that one time when Kyle got a hold of it and left anonymous LRS-related comments on it. Good gravy. Oh yeah, and Ana and Rachelle read this, I reckon, but between them and me, that's about it.

In any event. I reckon I'll update for anyone in the world who's interested:

1. Aaron and I are engaged. ... HUZZAH! :D Quite exciting. A bit scary at times, too, let's be honest here, just because it's like ... "dang. Well, I've never been in this position before. Hope I don't screw it up." Believe me, it's standard nervousness if there's anything at all; it doesn't have anything to do with not loving Aaron or not wanting to be with him (because, trust me, I do). It's more like existential-crisis mode, and that's not going away anytime soon. I doubt that I'll grow out of it even after I do graduate from college and find some kind of "real" job. So ... yeah. Not bothering too too much about that one.

2. Well, everything aside from that is small, so I guess I'll just let myself ramble.

I've developed some kind of a crush on Shane MacGowan as of late. The man has no teeth, sure, but for some reason he makes a cute old man. Plus, he apparently flipped me off when I saw them (I deserved it, I flipped them off the entire show ... it was all in love =P). Holy crap. I ended up with a set list, too, although lemme tell you what, I really wanted the metal tray that Spider beat the crap out of. Or Shane's empty bottle, but that stupid girl next to me got it. Bah. >:( My angry face says my opinion of the matter.

Man. That was an awesome show. I kind of wish I could go back in time and relive it, or at least see them again. It helps (or doesn't help? depends which way you want to look at it) that I'm on a MAJOR Pogues kick right now. I watched Straight to Hell again last night because now I can actually recognize everyone in the Pogues. I doubly appreciated Shane's frying-eggs laugh, and I laughed pretty hard at it myself.

Oh ... I guess I just thought of something coherent enough to warrant a number three:

3. This summer I start my Honors capstone project. So far, all I know is that I want it to have something to do with the philosophy (or -phies) of punk, and possibly where that interesects with theology. (?) I'm not sure how exactly to tie this in with my theology major, but it definitely means that I've been hatching hare-brained schemes to interview anyone or everyone in the Pogues and any other band that I can think of off the top of my head. It also means that me and Ana began hatching hare-brained schemes to go to London in order to interview people and generally kick around. But we all know how the scheme-hatching goes.

In any event, I kind of wish that I had started my Capstone in the spring instead of the summer, just because I absolutely can't wait to get started on it now; although I reckon that the wait gives me time to actually start reading some books (one of my teachers let me borrow his copy of England's Dreaming whenever I told him my idea for my capstone). I figure I'll start getting something narrowed down when I start reading books and articles. Maybe by that point I'll figure out the angle that I want to go for. I would definitely like to interview Aaron, Ana, my brother, my sister, bands like Fight to Die or Destroy Nate Allen (bands who I've actually seen and/or met personally); if I can manage it I'd also like to try and contact bigger bands like the Pogues, Dropkick Murphys, whoever else ... and for god's sake, if I really did get an Honors program grant to fund my trip to London, I'm pretty sure that I'd at least try to get in touch with someone like Mick Jones or Paul Simonon or Topper Headon. And then I'd proceed to pee my pants with excitement if I actually succeeded.

Yeah. I'm nerding out over this, big-time. I think I might actually enjoy this whole capstone thing. Funny, because I used to dread it.

And now tell me that he doesn't make a strangely cute (and entirely awesome) old man:



Don't pretend like you're weirded out by my random Old Man Crushes. You have them too. Don't lie.

This is Emily, signing off for now.

I'm fan-girling something awful.

By which I don't mean, I am a fan girl of something awful. What I mean is, I have found something to fangirl over a lot.

In the past two weeks or so I've become obssessed with Clive Barker's Abarat series. And here we go once again, I think I'm in love (okay, maybe he's just my favorite character) with the villain, and when I go and think that I'm going to be the weirdo in the Abarat fangirl community for liking him, turns out every other fangirl is twice as in love with him as I am. This happened with Phantom of the Opera too, way back in the day. Maybe some day I'll figure out why fangirls are so attracted to the tortured villain. Might have something to do with the nature of the people who are fangirls, but hey, I like to think that I'm a well-balanced individual ... =P

So. This guy:



I think I'm in love. =P Okay, I have to catch myself again, I don't think my fascination borders on psycholove near as much as some of the other people out there, plus, I already have a boyfriend who I love very dearly, so he wins first place on the list of "People I Am In Love With." But further down the list are a bunch of fictional characters/historical figures who I'll always have a place for in my heart. Now Christopher Carrion (that guy ^) is on The List. God help us all.

Ranting about anything and everything.

Just asking: Is this much cleavage really necessary to model a hat?

http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Accessories/Hats/Beige-Crocheted-Beret-231352.jsp

Sorry I couldn't figure out how to get the image up. This new technology, it confuses me.

I'm at work, but it's Thursday, and I'm guessing that none of the Spanish 1402 students felt like coming in to lab today. It's empty in here. So far I've watched "The Pied Piper of Hutzovina," which you should definitely check out, on YouTube (it actually wasn't a bootleg--it's paid for by ads). It's about Eugene Hutz going around Europe in search of Gypsy music. Check it out.

Now I'm just in one of those moods where I feel like waxing philosophical and/or ranting. Yep.

Haha. Right now I'm MySpace stalking people (okay, not really ... just surfing MySpace) to see what they've been up to, especially people I haven't talked to in a REALLY long time. I happened across the profile of a guy I used to like, the guy I met on a mission trip, and read one of his blogs ... which also happened to discuss how metal was an improvement on all the crap on the US radio, including "punk-rock." And now I know why God said "no" to that one. =P Funny how that works out.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that $6000 pretty much dropped in my lap yesterday? The Texas B-On-Time loan. Pretty much, it's a state loan that I don't have to repay--it turns into a grant--if I keep a B average and graduate college on time. And you know the best part? With that in place, I only owe HSU seven dollars for this semester. Once again, funny how that worked out. I think that God's laughing at me right now.

Here I was worrying my butt off, tearing my hair out, because I was going to have to spend pretty much every penny of my bank account on tuition (I was going to owe HSU around $2200 this semester)--and then God pretty much drops this loan out of the sky and into my lap. The moral of this story: I really like the ladies in the Business Office now (they sent me upstairs to talk to Mr. Brower in Financial Aid and pretty much wouldn't let me pay until I'd talked to him, and then he signed me up for this loan), and go talk to Financial Aid if you can, because it's pretty much true that they'll give you some kind of money just for taking the time to talk to them. Seriously. It isn't just a myth.

Yeah, and on a terrifying side note, the guy I talked to in Financial Aid started off our conversation (after looking at my information on his computer) with, "So, you're a senior now, huh?" And I went, "... I am?" So apparently I'm a senior. It's friggin terrifying. =P Okay, maybe not that bad, but it definitely came as a shock to me. Guess I was further ahead than I thought.

Yep.

Rather pissed off right now.

So I went on my Yahoo account--my e-mail--and noticed that there was a picture of, I kid you not, a pair of boobs in a string bikini being pushed together as my profile picture. I clicked on the "My Profile" link and it sent me to a page for "Hannah Rutledge," whose interests were "drinking, clubbing, and looking for cute bois." So I clicked "My Profile" again. And again. And it kept taking me back to this page. I don't know if someone got into my Yahoo and set up an account, or if this is some sick joke on Yahoo's end for not ever setting up an account, but either way I went and deleted everything--especially that disgusting picture of boobs--and changed my password. So yes, I'm rather pissed off right now. But hopefully the problem has been solved.

Yes, I am at work right now.

Yay for having a computer at work!

... but seriously. I can't lie, hearing the whole thing about Izzy and Nick and the near-actual-breakup and dating someone else for a while freaked me out. I always looked to them, consciously or not, as some kind of model for a long-term, long-distance relationship. They're one of those couples where you expect them to get married as soon as college is over, not get embroiled in some weird kind of drama reminiscent of someone else's life. But in all fairness, that's a whole lot of heaping my own expectations on something that I know absolutely nothing about. Also, That line of thinking involves not dealing with life as it's happening to me and trying to make sense of someone else's life as if it were my own.

Either way, I worked myself up over this for a couple hours, probably, until it dawned on me out of nowhere: That was her choice.

It frightened me initially because the whole ordeal proved that yes, it is indeed possible to get embroiled in this kind of drama even if you've had the steadiest, most drama-free relationship ever for the past six years.

But maybe that's part of it: Six years is a long time. People change between freshman year of high school and junior year of college.

In any event, I was thinking--rational or not, I don't care, this is how I was thinking--that if it could happen to her, then it could happen to me. But not like something I wanted; in my mind that kind of drama happens more like a coconut falling out of the sky and landing on my head, and then a flying monkey tries to drag me off kicking and screaming. And then the light bulb came on: It was her choice. It is not my life. The whole drama-tastic situation isn't a flying monkey waiting for the right moment to drop the coconut; life just turned out that way, and that was her decision in dealing with it. But--and here is the important end of that thought--if the same thing happened to me, I would be free to choose however I wanted.

Sometimes I feel like life is sitting out in front of me, already mapped out, but I'm feeling around blindly in the dark and no one's telling me the direction I'm supposed to go. Kind of like when my sister had to write her first research paper and the teacher wouldn't tell the class what exactly they needed to do, she just told them when they were doing it wrong. I suppose the end result of that mindset is that I feel like there's a flying monkey waiting just around the corner to drop a coconut on my head and steal my wallet. But I'm pretty sure that life isn't that way.

I guess, if I had to pin it down, that you can't ever be sure what life is exactly like. But that uncertainty is something you can hang your plans on. "All I know is that I don't know nuthin'." I have to remind myself of that a lot. There are a lot of fears crowding around inside my head: Unalterable destiny of graduationmarriage, the whole idea of graduationmarriage, my extreme perfectionism that makes me worry about these things that actually have no bearing on present day, present time ... but I constantly have to remind myself, for my own benefit more than anyone else's, that these thoughts are merely thoughts; they can't take substance and hurt me. They can't attack me out of nowhere. Once I actually acknowledge that they're there, they're easier to work around--instead of pulling the strings in my mind, they're just rocks jutting out of the waters I'm trying to navigate: Still there, but separate, complete, avoidable.

Sometimes I think I'm crazy, but then I remember, hey, I'm just a woman. I've got fourteen open windows in my head right now and popup ads intruding all over the place, and that's okay. =P