And did I mention that God's after me?

I haven't even gotten my mind fully around this idea, but on Saturday it occurred to me that God is after me: He will continue to thwart and frustrate my self-made plans at every turn.

I realized this when I was driving home from Ranger shouting "Why does everything I try to do have to end up sucking?" That also ties in with my last year of school, which, overall, has probably given me an anxiety disorder. In retrospect, the Fun/Not Fun balance was extremely off-kilter in the direction of Not Fun--which is to say, there were more parts of it that sucked than there were parts that were good. I don't know why. I'm still not entirely sure. But it occurred to me as I was driving home that, haha, maybe God is out to get me. And then I was like, Wait a minute: I think he really is. I mean, part of it is just that life sucks sometimes, and there's nothing you can do about it. But I also have a sneaking suspicion that God is purposefully thwarting me, at least in my mind, because he has other plans for me--plans far greater than the ones that I am currently creating for myself.

The flipside of this is that I realized that once I give in, I give in. There will be no more cute little plans for the future on my part; I will be accepting with both hands the blank slate that God keeps nudging me with. And he keeps giving me the urge to go get the Unity tattoo. Call this stupid, but my excuse for putting that off has been that I won't be able to hide it in a wedding dress, thus my Nana would kill me when I got married and she saw it, thus I can't get any tattoos until after I get married (which in my nicely-packaged little plans--the ones that God is always thwarting--would still be at least another year and a half away). So I could still ignore God and his blank slate for another year and a half, and afterward I would probably just go, "Oh, that was just youthful college indiscretion; everybody wants to do something rebellious when they're away from home. How droll." And then I would rationalize that nudging doubt away once more.

But here God is, nudging me with that frickin blank slate, telling me to go get a tattoo that says "Unity" so that I can't rationalize everything away and work back into a state of spiritual equilibrium anymore. That's why I had to smoke that cigar on Saturday night. I had to do something just enough out of the ordinary that I couldn't explain away that feeling of being pursued as just another passing fancy. I honestly feel that this is something God is calling me to--but once I go and do that, once I go and get that tattoo, there will be no turning back. I wonder if he didn't tell me to go get that first so that I would have to throw out all my neat little plans, all of which involve me waiting to doing anything until after I graduate or get married. Damn it.

So yes. God is out to get me.