Cold feelings in the night.

I have to be honest with myself: I've been depressed and listening to Social Distortion (hence the "Cold Feelings in the Night"). Not always a good combination. But I have to own up and admit what's been bothering me, because it's always something different.

1. I'm afraid that, in some way, shape, or form, I'm going to hopelessly screw up my relationship with Aaron beyond repair. Usually my thoughts taunt me from the direction of "what if you fall out of love with him?" And the resulting despair makes me hurt so much that it makes me sick to my stomach, which--ironically--proves that I actually do care (usually a sign of love--giving a crap what happens to the other person) and proves that I do indeed love him. But apparently I'm not even allowed to think such thoughts, even though the conclusion I inevitably arrive at is that Aaron is so much a part of me and my life that I can't even separate him from my thoughts. And that's a good thing.

2. You can tell I'm depressed because I use big words. (Inevitably much?)

3. God is not holding out on me. I can't seem to get that through my head. Or am I just beating myself up over it, and then beating myself up for beating myself up? Am I just freaking out because I'm freaking out? Am I just depressed because I'm depressed?

4. I worried last night that the salad days were over, that here on out it's always going to be this way: Me literally worrying myself sick. Things always seem so much better in retrospect. If only my vision in the present were as clear as my hindsight. Then life would be perfect, huh?

5. But what is perfection? Just another thing I've subconsciously strived for my whole life? No, not even my whole life, there has been a period where I didn't care. Life was life, not a means to the end of perfection. And things haven't changed, my perspective has just unknowingly slid back into how it was before ... ?

6. God will come through for me. He is not holding out on me, and he will come through for me in the end.

7. And at the same time, this is just a rough patch. It happens in life. Maybe today in particular is just a bigger crack in the patch of rough asphalt that I'm going through on the Sidewalk of Life, but either way, there's good patches and there's bad: and they're both life just the same.

8. Furthermore, I know that I tend to respond to things with (1) Pessimism/depression; (2) Beating myself up for said pessimism/depression; (3) Beating myself for beating myself up; (4) Freaking out; (5) Freaking out over freaking out; (6) Getting depressed over the whole process; (7) Getting depressed because I can't even keep myself from getting depressed ... et cetera.

Et cetera is just fun to write out.

But see, what happens next, right, is whenever I manage to cheer myself up, Hatin' Brain (the part of my brain that hates on the rest of me) is like, "Ohhhh, but what about UNRESOLVED ISSUE X?! Shouldn't you have had that one figured out three days ago and been skipping around in spiritual daisies ever since?" And I think that because Hatin' Brain is incredibly cynical, doubts everything, and is almost always in a bad mood, it must be right. Because clearly nothing that is happy has any truth in it. (Hey ... I should start my own philosophical school or something. =P)

Alll I can ever boil it down to is that it's all in my head--life doesn't have its jaws around my throat nearly as much as I tend to believe it does; it's just how I perceive things. And that's a small comfort, but sometimes I wonder if it's the right way of looking at things.

There I go again! The "right" way! There is no right or wrong way to life. There is living. It's a pretty inclusive term, whether I like it or not. Fact of the matter is that tomorrow doesn't functionally exist, my thoughts don't exist outside of my own head, and despite the cold nasty weather it's a miracle that I'm alive and breathing. And shut up, Hatin' Brain, I'll never resolve the fear of losing Aaron.

Ugh. I'm confused.