One: I have passed the "crazy" bump, I believe--in other words, I'm not going crazy about Aaron being gone anymore. They're officially halfway done with tour, or close to being halfway done (within the next day or two), so every step is a step closer to home from here on out ... so yeah. He's still gonna be gone for the next two/two and half weeks, but I think I'll be okay. =P Clearly I made it through this past week even though I didn't think I could. I think we're gonna be alright. =P
Two: ... got to thinking again, and I realized that about half the time I plan my life based on security--you know, get a job working as a youth minister or something, settle down, whatever--and the other half of the time I snap out of it and realize that, right now, I'm only planning on doing that because I seek security. NOT, and it should be noted, because I feel that that's what God is calling me to do. The thing here is that the strongest call I feel right now is to somehow be a minister to the punks. I want to be in music. I feel a calling there right now. And I don't mean "a calling in music" like being a music minister or something ... I mean the nitty-gritty, life on the road, meeting people and showing them (as Nina and her hubby did for LRS) that "Christian" does not equal "asshole." But you can't make a living out of that.
Maybe I'm too obssessed with the idea of finding a career and settling into it right now. I don't think I'm being called to any kind of conventional career, at least not for now ... I guess there's no telling about the future. But then again, I reckon that it kind of makes sense, because since when have I ever been conventional? =P Seriously, though. It's kind of terrifying. It's like a leap into the unknown, and I'm not even there yet (or close to being at that point of decision). At this point, alls I know is that I'm going to finish college and figure it out from there.
I guess, when I think about it, that God doesn't seem to call people to things that they feel comfortable doing. If I stayed in my comfort zone all the time, where would I be? ... I'd probably still be my old misguided-legalistic self, halfway normal (I say halfway because I've never been completely "normal"), definitely not punk, definitely not as open and genuine as I am nowadays. I've come a long way to be this open with people, I think. If I had stayed in my comfort zone--if my world had never inexplicably, for utterly no reason, collapsed on itself--I would still be living in my little shell, my self-made chains, crammed into a spiritual prison cell that I thought was the whole world. I would definitely not be the Emily I am today--I know that for sure. My life has changed too much.
So ... I reckon that all I can do is embrace it, and make that leap when the time comes.
That also kind of throws out my plans of getting married right after college (yes, shoot me ... or roll your eyes at me ... that's what I've been thinking about a lot lately). Which is pretty scary, because that's something that, at this point, I definitely want to do. Buuuuuuut ... God kind of works on his own timing, I reckon. Keeps us on our toes or something. I guess that's not to say that that definitely throws out the idea of getting married or summat; I think that it means, more, that I'm throwing out all my plans and embracing the fact that I really have no idea what God has planned for me. It means that I'm throwing out all my neatly-structured plans and embracing the fact I really have no idea about the future--even further, that the future doesn't functionally exist, that all I have is Now. Today. The present. Life is lived in the moment, you know ... dag. Dag. Dag. ... that's all I can say. I think I just had a minor revelation.
Dag. That kills the wedding lust (it's been running rampant lately, I'll admit it ... but just to you, Ana, since you're probably the only person reading this =P). The wedding lust is very strongly tied in to my plans for a neat and tidy little life that I already have planned out in my head. But life doesn't follow yer plans ... you can't cram it into a tidy square and put it into your day planner. Life kind of happense to you, not the other way around.
That's it. Time for the "Life Won't Wait" tattoo. =P
(On tattoos: I think I decided that some day I'm going to get "Don't let 'em take it all away" on the back of my right arm ... AKA my open-defiance,-screw-you-I'm-going-to-live song by Mustard Plug. =P)
Dang. Well, I guess that God has to give me a kick in the pants from time to time and go, "Hey, you! I didn't call you to live a life of security! You knew when you signed up for this bidness that I got different things in store for you. Just wing it. You should know that by now." =P Goodness. That God guy. He's too clever (and full of incredible smartitude ... things like that). =P
Yep. You just witnessed a minor revelation/reminder in action. Interesting how that works out.
4 comments:
way to go. you just threw my brain out onto the highway and smashed it with a semi. Or a steamroller. take your pick.
don't talk about winging it! that stuff scares me to death man!
ugghhhh. I think the reason that this is hitting me so hard now is that today I realized that I have secretly been building up my own life security bomb shelter, one brick at a time, and trying to hide it from the bit of me that knows better. Now I am having internal battles and I don't know what to do about it. Today I saw myself standing proud and tall above the rest (with a superman cape?) in the future while I made plans with the new music minister and the youth minister about getting kids excited about church orchestra...and the possibility of getting them into Baptist All-State....and then I will be the one who saved them all! I will be hailed beyond all others as the girl who single-handedly changed the music program while obtaining a church music degree at HSU and then having a big gleaming office at the Baptist Building and having articles written about me in the Baptist Standard!!
uggggghh. You scared me by reminding me about the comfort zone business.
hm. yes this is something that I am extremely passionate about, but the fact that I have mapped everything out already just proves that it's going to be a lot scarier and more complicated than that...and that I am going to grow from it...and because I am fitting it to what I want to do...I haven't finished growing up yet. I have the feeling that God is having a huge laugh over me right now.
uh...ok I think I'm going to go rant about this a bit more on my own blog.
: )
P.S. don't worry. I'm immune to your wedding lust rants. : D
no shooting and/or eye rolling here.
: )
ok so I'm still not done commenting. yay multiple comments!
Pay attention here: there's nothing wrong with wanting security, and you're not "too obsessed". Obsession is when parents have their kids pick the college/career they want when hey're eleven and have their daughters marry the boss's son because it's good for business. You're perfectly ok. Plus you recognize what's happening, and can get yourself out of it before it does any lasting damage.
Also, don't worry about not making a living off of your calling. I'm pretty sure that you can have a career separate from your calling. Nowaameen? (heehee) take for instance, you can love playing mini-golf without having to think about if it's a good way to minister to people, right? Did you join CBB because you wanted to save all those lost souls who watch us march in parades? Go ahead and get a job that pays the bills. Doesn't mean you're rejecting your calling and that you're about to turn into a computer at any moment (yay Rick!)God will provide for you. Yeah, it will probably suck at some point, but that's life. Also, you will have your education, and that alone will get you by, even if it's in Theology. It proves that you're a good worker, that you can meet deadlines, etc.
God will make a way for you.
Granted it might not be the easiest way, (I'm pretty sure these things are meant to be hard) but...you will be fine. And you're absurdly good at finding cheap/free stuff, and you eat like a bird anyway. These things are probably to help you in your calling later on or something. and there is nothing wrong with having a conventional career. You get good benefits. : )
ok that's enough for now.
hey i'm reading this too! i have nothing profound to say, but this is a really good post. write some more stuff like this!
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