Oh, the rampant jealousy.

I am rampantly jealous of people who actually get to see their boyfriends on a regular basis. For a while there I was okay, he lived in Abilene, I could turn my jealousies to other matters (you're always jealous about something, or at least I am--it just might be something small); but then he moved back, and then I think I became twice as jealous as before. It doesn't help that the person (people) I'm most jealous of are getting married at the end of this year. That really just ups the jealousy ante; then I'm just like, "Oh, well, isn't that grand and magnificent. Some of us still have three more years of college before we can even consider such a thing ..." And even then I haven't told anyone besides Aaron and Ana (and, I think, Michelle) that I'm pretty sure I'm going to marry him someday. I don't even want to bring that up to anybody, because (1) They can think it if they want to, but I won't tell 'em, and (2) Somebody's going to go off on the "pray for a nice Christian boy" tangent and I'm just going to get angry again. That is my biggest pet peeve, even more annoying than people who complain about not getting to see their boyfriend for only one night out of the week (hold on ... I've done that before ... dangit). I usually just keep my mouth shut, because people mean well (they're just trying to say "find someone with the same values as yourself," more or less, I think). But I don't want to tell anybody for risk that I'll get some dead-serious face and, "But he isn't Christian."

So what? I haven't sat here and prayed my whole life for God to send me some Christian Prince Charming on a white horse; as a matter of fact, I've never had a list. Not for years, in any event. I gave that up years ago and I said, "Okay, God, I'm going to wait for you to bring me somebody ..." And you know what? I think that he has. So there.

... and this whole rant sprang up just from the rampant jealousy. The point here is, I'm insanely jealous of people (which kills me double, because it's not like I hate them; as a matter of fact, I'm quite happy that they're getting married), and it's driving me insane. I can't even see my boyfriend but once a week, and here in about two weeks I'm not going to get to see him for a month. A month. Four weeks. It's not that I'm afraid I'm going to lose him in that time, or that I'm going to start liking someone else or something, I'm just going to miss him. A lot. And then he might be gone for another month or even two after that; but I won't even find that out til the end of June.

He leaves May 30th. He gets back at the end of June--when exactly, I'm not sure. And after that they might go on a Texas tour and maybe even head off to the West Coast for another monthlong tour. And then he's going to get back, he won't have any money, I'll be holding down a job and I won't really have time to go see him ... that's what I worry about.

I miss him. I miss him so much. I at least get to see him on Sunday, and then the week after that; but then he's going to be gone for a month, and I'll hardly even get to talk to him on the phone because of roaming charges (the East Coast!), and I'll [hopefully] get a letter every once in a while, and maybe every now and then I'll be lucky and get an e-mail.

A month. Four weeks. It doesn't seem so long when you look at it, but when you're living it--when you're counting down the days for it to be over--it seems like eternity. It's even worse when you have to watch everyone else in happy-couple-land all fawning over each other and not having to know how much it hurts to be apart so much ...