Blahdy blah blah.

So the whole leaving the church thing. You think that it doesn't still hurt me? I know that something's wrong. I can feel that something is a little off. But the rest of us are just trying to pick up the pieces and go on with our lives. I love you like family still--I respect your decision to leave--I would still run up and hug you on the street--but we can't all leave.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I'll change my mind when something happens to me. But I've already decided that I don't know what's going on, so the only people I'm going to trust are in my immediate family. My dad sat me down and gave me the straight dope as he knew it, and I trust him. I'm not saying that anyone in particular is a liar; I think more than anything that there are a thousand stories floating around, and nobody is really sure what's going on. I honestly think that you mean the best. But I don't know what's going on, and I really do feel as if God has called me to stay at this church, and so I cannot leave like rats fleeing a sinking ship.

In a few years I will probably be gone anyway, in all honesty. I have the wanderlust. When I get out of college, I think that I'll wander for a while before I figure out what exactly what I want to do. So it goes like that: Get married, probably, and then wander with him for a while until I figure something out, or God tells me Stage 2 of the plan. I don't know. Stage 1, as far as I know, is to go to Hardin-Simmons and finish my theology degree, and after that I'm not sure what's going to happen.

But while I have felt that something is wrong, and I kind of placed my finger on it--we've been torn apart, we're trying to pick up the pieces, I think that there have been wounds placed on my heart that might never heal--and we're just missing that fire that we used to have. It's hard to figure out what exactly is wrong. Whatever it is, the lethargy has taken over me, too, and it can be hard to fight on Wednesdays ...

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't love anybody any less for leaving, and I don't love anybody any less for staying. This whole situation just hurts. :( And unfortunately, it's such that I don't think I'll ever quite figure it out. But life goes on whether I want it to or not ... might as well jump aboard for the ride.

Yep.