Feeling contemplative

Doesn't really matter what I write, Ana's the only person who might read this. Or Aaron if I pointed him in this direction. Right now I think that I'm the only person reading these entires though. That's perfectly fine by me.

And this entry isn't as dramatic as it sounds, really. I'm just feeling contemplative. Hence the title, I reckon.

Yep. All the old youth group stuff. You know what? I wish that things could be the same as they were before, sure, but I've moved on. I've had to. I still miss everybody. I still miss Shawn. I miss jumping off chairs and having insane worship and maintaining the status quo or whatever--but that's all I was doing after he left; I was maintaining the status quo, trying to comply with some standard of "acceptable-to-Emily Christian" in my head. Only recently has anything even made sense. I don't know why this still hurts so much ...

Maybe that's just it. I know I'm bitter. I should stop dancing around it and post what I mean. Things didn't go the way I wanted them to, and I've never quite gotten over it, I don't think. But then I force myself to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, so to speak, and move on, and swallow things as they are and stop complaining. Not to say things right now are bad; I'm not trashing my church at all. I still love it. I'm just saying ... if I feel any bitterness at all towards people who left, it is my fault, and it is for that reason: I made myself "get over it" and stay, and I--being human--expect everyone to be exactly like me.

So I just pick people apart in my mind. I pick apart philosophies, theologies, how they live--and does it make me any happier? No. I still have a lot of confusion right now. I'm also jealous of people because, once again, my boyfriend lives an hour away, I probably won't finish school for another three years, I don't know what I'm going to do after that, I desperately want to spend the rest of my life with him and I'm jealous of people who are already engaged, for that reason ...

And I read people's blogs on Christianity, about how they live their life, and I pick them apart. What right do I have to do that? I am not God; I can't see a person's heart. Their relationship with God is none of my business anyway, it's between them and God. Maybe part of me is jealous because I'm not perfect. I guess that would make sense. But that's not exactly what I mean ... I just see other people sometimes, and they seem so perfect, and I realize how imperfect I am, and then I get jealous.

I am not a "super Christian" (I almost hate the term super Christian, it seems like it's been overused by people trying to actively not look like "super Christians" or something ...); I am a person. I forget that sometimes. I have to remind myself that I am God's, that there is no way to quantify relationship so you can't compare two different relationships ... there is no such thing as relationship points.

I think I'm feeling philosophical today.

Life is life. Life is for living. I was not put on Earth to try and be a "good Christian." It just so happens that I choose to follow God ... I am part of his new covenant under Jesus Christ; I have been taken from System 1, the world, trying to measure up to standards and living with this constant image of myself in my mind, and placed in System 2, Life, freedom, accepting my identity from Christ--and not having to try to break out of System 1, because this is grace, this is mercy, this is not justice and it is not logical ...

Guess stuff makes more sense in that light. I have to remind myself of that or I go crazy and start trying to live up to standards again ...

God has called me. I know he has. I might be living in a cheap apartment and touring the country nine months out of the year (I'm pretty sure I'd be happy that way ...); I might be recording the culture and the people and the places I encounter, be it through writing or drawing, and that might be how I make a living. Maybe I will become a youth minister someday (I'm not sure; I think that thought originally crossed my mind because it seemed like a secure job for a theology degree ... but I have not been called to security); maybe it will just happen in an odd, roundabout sort of way. I think that God has called me to wander. At least for a while. At least for my first few years out of college. I want to grow up, and finish school, and at some point marry Aaron, and wander with him, because I have been called out to speak to the punks ... that sounds so odd when I put in writing ... but it's true.

That's what I am; maybe God had a hand in making me a punk. Maybe he just let me develop on my own, and this is how I turned out--either way, I wouldn't change a thing. But I know that he called me once, and every time I try to figure out what I'm going to do when I graduate, I feel that calling more strongly than ever. That's not to say that I might not settle down later in life, because you never know what's going to happen. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.