I do have to add, though ...

... that I've always wanted to go on Stormy's (Aaron's distant ex) MySpace page and write, "Your poetry is trite and cliched! Try using a metaphor instead of a simile every once in a while! And for God's sake, everyone your age has written an America-sucks-so-hard poem ... at least write about something original!"

But then again, I don't really care, because (as I've mentioned before) she doesn't even appear on my radar anymore. Every now and then I remember when she created the fake MySpace page, and then I remember how much I want to go make fun of her poetry. The least she could do is use halfway decent grammar.

Maybe I'm just bitter because she has 5.3 billion friends who all fawn over her terrible poetry because they wouldn't know good literature if it latched itself onto their right legs and called them all George, while clearly I'm a literary genius who is much more deserving of their praise and adoration. Yeah, I think that's part of it. Stupid subconscious jealousy. Oh well. At least I can laugh at it, I reckon. =P

Life and stuff.

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

So come to realize that things have gotten out of hand again; I had my entire life--or at least enough of it to seem like my entire life--planned out again, and how hollow and unsatisfying it was. Or maybe the problem is rather that it was entirely too satisfying. I wrote it down in my notebook during Methods--that's how eerily planned out it was:

1. Graduate from Hardin-Simmons in December of 2010 with a bachelor's (BBS) in theology and a Spanish minor and get a job as a youth minister, or some other steady one in the church, or at least find a steady job relating to the Spanish minor.
2. Get married in March or April of 2011 and move with Aaron to wherever he wants to finish school, where hopefully I'll have the steady job mentioned in point 1.
3. Rinse and repeat. (?)

So my life has been reduced to a set of instructions that could be printed on the back of a spiritual shampoo bottle. And the scary thing is that the idea that I have to be Uberchristian--the perfect Christian--has reared its ugly head once again and caught me hook, line, and sinker without my noticing it until now. Because while going through points 1 through three, I'm also supposed to: have perfect doctrine, apply it perfectly in my life, have perfect Christian discipline all the time and be perfectly content with it.

Where the hell has life gone?

In finding my life--in planning it all out--I lost it--the freedom to live in Christ, here and now, to enjoy the life that God has given me. Somehow I started clinging once again to the idea of the Uberchristian, that I'm 100% perfect 100% of the time or I'm no Christian at all.

Good lord. It's the Emily Miculkaitis flaring up again.

That is the exact language of Emily Miculkaitis. I can point you, or myself for that matter, toward things I wrote in freshman and sophomore years of high school that say exactly the same thing: "I feel like I have to be 100% perfect 100% of the time." And I had so discounted the Emily Miculkaitis since WorldChangers, thinking that I'd defeated it once and for all, that it never even appeared on the radar as the source of these problems. Aw, crap.

Well, at least once you see something for what it really is, it no longer has any power over you. Funny thing, deception. When you realize that you're being deceived, you're not deceived anymore.

I haven't blogged since dinosaurs ruled the Earth.

I'm so ridiculously busy that I haven't even had time to write about how ridiculously busy I am. Pretty much, I go to class from 9 t0 5, go to work from 5 to 9, and then come back to school and do homework until midnight (or 2:30, it depends how much homework I have). The first time I got out in a while, just for the heck of it, was when I hung out with Caitlyn on my birthday. I think that I need to get out more. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy, or Emily a dull girl, or however you want to put it. Seriously. "Srsly guysh!"

Haven't blogged in a while.

Sitting here waiting for Aaron to call me. I already did all my homework. Bought a birthday present for Moth-er earlier. Ate dinner at Chick-Fil-A and got free ice cream ... good night? Reckon so. I feel like posting random things on the political theology message board, but maybe that's because I just like to argue with people (pretty sure that's part of it--it's in my blood). Unfortunately, all the threads are about stuff like the Democratic National Convention and speeches by Barack and Michelle Obama, and I don't have TV (so I can't really watch them as they happen), plus I don't really care about that anyway. I did actually post a reply to a thread about John McCain choosing Sarah Palin as his VP, but hey, that's just because I read an article about that on MSNBC and I actually kind of knew what I was talking about. Part of me wants to ask people what they think about anarchy just to see what they say. =P Not like I'm an anarachist, because I don't agree with the whole principle of anarchy (my main argument being that people are jerks by nature, and they couldn't function without government to keep them in line--we'd all just end up shooting each other) ... I guess I just want to see how people would react. I like stirring people entirely too much. But then the rest of me keeps me polite, so I just rebel quietly through smarmy remarks. I guess it works. =P

Thought again today.

Thought again today (during church--my mind wanders sometimes ... =P) and realized that youth ministry is not out completely. What is punk? By and large, a youth culture. The idea of being a youth minister is not completely ruled out. I might go ahead and "officially" become a minister whenever I get out of college. This morning it occurred to me that whenever I get out of school God might just point me in the right direction as an actual minister. I know, right? Seems like I would've thought of that before. =P I had always discounted the idea of being a "professional Christian" because ... well, I don't know--but for some reason it kind of occurred to me that maybe I could work that way. Interesting.

No more drugs!

I'm down to penicillin now, so no more weird mood changes. I still get tired easily, but that's probably because I'm just not eating as well. =P My teeth do hurt when I wake up, but I guess that can be expected. I actually slept okay last night because I wasn't tweaking on my steroids.

My mom's doing okay. She can walk around now; we went to WalMart last night and she got to ride in one of the scooters. =P Everything's going pretty good. Yay!

I've been tripping out most of the day.

My mom fell this morning and cut her ear open, but she's doing okay now (she had surgery yesterday and got faint in the shower this morning, which led to her passing out and cutting a flap back of her ear). And I think that I'm coming off a pain med high or something, because I've been in a mild daze all day and everything just pisses me off easily. And I talk too loud. So yes. O.o Weird emotional rollercoaster all day. We're backing off to ibuprofen cause I don't need my hardcore pain stuffs anymore.