In case you wondered what went on in my head

And then I rambled in a feminist theological strain for a bit.

2010-03-29T17:42:00.001-07:00

And other times I really wonder –

that maybe God set me up with an atheist
who doesn't believe in that damned accursèd “complementarianism”
so I could have a space to run around and be free for him.

(and it strikes me as odd that so many men “confessed”
to the sin of not leading in the church –
and the women applauded them?

there's something mighty fucked up about that,
well-intentioned or not.

I think it's the damned accursèd “complementarianism” again.)

My beloved, at least, does not theologically justify
my “submission” to his “will” as my “head” –
(“So what if God told you to go to Africa and Aaron forbid you?
You're supposed to obey your husband.”
Uh … I'd end up in Africa whether Aaron or I liked it or not?)
and funny how in that damned accursèd Complementarianism
the woman always completes the man, and
never vice versa.

(Maybe the man is inferior because his penis is an overgrown clitoris.
Eat that, jerks.)

In any event –

… sometimes I wonder if God set me up with an atheist
so that my beloved would never try to clip my wings
with the words of freedom that I used to spread them.

[And that's what happened after reading a buttload of feminist theology. =P]

And then I found out

2010-01-25T18:19:00.000-08:00

that Starkey's pastor was mudered.

ABILENE, TX - Renata Monet had been planning the murder of her church pastor, Karen Lee Johnson, for quite some time, according to Sgt. Lynn Beard of the Abilene Police Department.

The gruesome murder-suicide took place exactly one year after Bob Laloge changed his name to Renata Antoinette Monet.

Late Friday afternoon, Johnson, pastor of Abilene's Unity Church, went to Monet's house to minister to her. Upon entering the house, Johnson was attacked, subdued, and murdered.

Investigators are still working to process Monet's personal writings which contain details of what was to happen.

"It was clearly premeditated to happen on this day (January 22, 2010) for some time," Beard said.

According to her online journal, Monet had fantasized about torturing women since the age of 10.

Johnson's cause of death has been released as a knife to the throat, in addition to multiple stab wounds, but the actual details of the murder will never be released, out of respect for both families, Beard said. Giving the public a step-by-step time line of what happened won't accomplish anything, he explained.

Monet's ultimate cause of death was hanging, according to police.

And it shocks me.

I don't know what to say. She ran crying from the room when Dr. Dorothy mentioned it as a prayer request at the beginning of band. Once again I find myself confronted by the horror and violence of the world, and I recoil, horrified, not knowing how to handle a world where something like this can happen. Pray for the church and the families involved; I'm not sure how prayer works, but I think it does something. Now is the time when we all have to comfort one another.

It's been a while.

2009-12-16T22:20:00.000-08:00

I've largely abandoned my blog, in case you haven't noticed. It's all good, it's purely for my own amusement anyway. Except for that one time when Kyle got a hold of it and left anonymous LRS-related comments on it. Good gravy. Oh yeah, and Ana and Rachelle read this, I reckon, but between them and me, that's about it.

In any event. I reckon I'll update for anyone in the world who's interested:

1. Aaron and I are engaged. ... HUZZAH! :D Quite exciting. A bit scary at times, too, let's be honest here, just because it's like ... "dang. Well, I've never been in this position before. Hope I don't screw it up." Believe me, it's standard nervousness if there's anything at all; it doesn't have anything to do with not loving Aaron or not wanting to be with him (because, trust me, I do). It's more like existential-crisis mode, and that's not going away anytime soon. I doubt that I'll grow out of it even after I do graduate from college and find some kind of "real" job. So ... yeah. Not bothering too too much about that one.

2. Well, everything aside from that is small, so I guess I'll just let myself ramble.

I've developed some kind of a crush on Shane MacGowan as of late. The man has no teeth, sure, but for some reason he makes a cute old man. Plus, he apparently flipped me off when I saw them (I deserved it, I flipped them off the entire show ... it was all in love =P). Holy crap. I ended up with a set list, too, although lemme tell you what, I really wanted the metal tray that Spider beat the crap out of. Or Shane's empty bottle, but that stupid girl next to me got it. Bah. >:( My angry face says my opinion of the matter.

Man. That was an awesome show. I kind of wish I could go back in time and relive it, or at least see them again. It helps (or doesn't help? depends which way you want to look at it) that I'm on a MAJOR Pogues kick right now. I watched Straight to Hell again last night because now I can actually recognize everyone in the Pogues. I doubly appreciated Shane's frying-eggs laugh, and I laughed pretty hard at it myself.

Oh ... I guess I just thought of something coherent enough to warrant a number three:

3. This summer I start my Honors capstone project. So far, all I know is that I want it to have something to do with the philosophy (or -phies) of punk, and possibly where that interesects with theology. (?) I'm not sure how exactly to tie this in with my theology major, but it definitely means that I've been hatching hare-brained schemes to interview anyone or everyone in the Pogues and any other band that I can think of off the top of my head. It also means that me and Ana began hatching hare-brained schemes to go to London in order to interview people and generally kick around. But we all know how the scheme-hatching goes.

In any event, I kind of wish that I had started my Capstone in the spring instead of the summer, just because I absolutely can't wait to get started on it now; although I reckon that the wait gives me time to actually start reading some books (one of my teachers let me borrow his copy of England's Dreaming whenever I told him my idea for my capstone). I figure I'll start getting something narrowed down when I start reading books and articles. Maybe by that point I'll figure out the angle that I want to go for. I would definitely like to interview Aaron, Ana, my brother, my sister, bands like Fight to Die or Destroy Nate Allen (bands who I've actually seen and/or met personally); if I can manage it I'd also like to try and contact bigger bands like the Pogues, Dropkick Murphys, whoever else ... and for god's sake, if I really did get an Honors program grant to fund my trip to London, I'm pretty sure that I'd at least try to get in touch with someone like Mick Jones or Paul Simonon or Topper Headon. And then I'd proceed to pee my pants with excitement if I actually succeeded.

Yeah. I'm nerding out over this, big-time. I think I might actually enjoy this whole capstone thing. Funny, because I used to dread it.

And now tell me that he doesn't make a strangely cute (and entirely awesome) old man:

Don't pretend like you're weirded out by my random Old Man Crushes. You have them too. Don't lie.

This is Emily, signing off for now.

I'm fan-girling something awful.

2009-08-05T09:01:00.000-07:00

By which I don't mean, I am a fan girl of something awful. What I mean is, I have found something to fangirl over a lot.

In the past two weeks or so I've become obssessed with Clive Barker's Abarat series. And here we go once again, I think I'm in love (okay, maybe he's just my favorite character) with the villain, and when I go and think that I'm going to be the weirdo in the Abarat fangirl community for liking him, turns out every other fangirl is twice as in love with him as I am. This happened with Phantom of the Opera too, way back in the day. Maybe some day I'll figure out why fangirls are so attracted to the tortured villain. Might have something to do with the nature of the people who are fangirls, but hey, I like to think that I'm a well-balanced individual ... =P

So. This guy:

I think I'm in love. =P Okay, I have to catch myself again, I don't think my fascination borders on psycholove near as much as some of the other people out there, plus, I already have a boyfriend who I love very dearly, so he wins first place on the list of "People I Am In Love With." But further down the list are a bunch of fictional characters/historical figures who I'll always have a place for in my heart. Now Christopher Carrion (that guy ^) is on The List. God help us all.

Ranting about anything and everything.

2009-07-23T10:12:00.001-07:00

Just asking: Is this much cleavage really necessary to model a hat?

http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Accessories/Hats/Beige-Crocheted-Beret-231352.jsp

Sorry I couldn't figure out how to get the image up. This new technology, it confuses me.

I'm at work, but it's Thursday, and I'm guessing that none of the Spanish 1402 students felt like coming in to lab today. It's empty in here. So far I've watched "The Pied Piper of Hutzovina," which you should definitely check out, on YouTube (it actually wasn't a bootleg--it's paid for by ads). It's about Eugene Hutz going around Europe in search of Gypsy music. Check it out.

Now I'm just in one of those moods where I feel like waxing philosophical and/or ranting. Yep.

Haha. Right now I'm MySpace stalking people (okay, not really ... just surfing MySpace) to see what they've been up to, especially people I haven't talked to in a REALLY long time. I happened across the profile of a guy I used to like, the guy I met on a mission trip, and read one of his blogs ... which also happened to discuss how metal was an improvement on all the crap on the US radio, including "punk-rock." And now I know why God said "no" to that one. =P Funny how that works out.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that $6000 pretty much dropped in my lap yesterday? The Texas B-On-Time loan. Pretty much, it's a state loan that I don't have to repay--it turns into a grant--if I keep a B average and graduate college on time. And you know the best part? With that in place, I only owe HSU seven dollars for this semester. Once again, funny how that worked out. I think that God's laughing at me right now.

Here I was worrying my butt off, tearing my hair out, because I was going to have to spend pretty much every penny of my bank account on tuition (I was going to owe HSU around $2200 this semester)--and then God pretty much drops this loan out of the sky and into my lap. The moral of this story: I really like the ladies in the Business Office now (they sent me upstairs to talk to Mr. Brower in Financial Aid and pretty much wouldn't let me pay until I'd talked to him, and then he signed me up for this loan), and go talk to Financial Aid if you can, because it's pretty much true that they'll give you some kind of money just for taking the time to talk to them. Seriously. It isn't just a myth.

Yeah, and on a terrifying side note, the guy I talked to in Financial Aid started off our conversation (after looking at my information on his computer) with, "So, you're a senior now, huh?" And I went, "... I am?" So apparently I'm a senior. It's friggin terrifying. =P Okay, maybe not that bad, but it definitely came as a shock to me. Guess I was further ahead than I thought.

Yep.

Rather pissed off right now.

2009-06-09T10:50:00.000-07:00

So I went on my Yahoo account--my e-mail--and noticed that there was a picture of, I kid you not, a pair of boobs in a string bikini being pushed together as my profile picture. I clicked on the "My Profile" link and it sent me to a page for "Hannah Rutledge," whose interests were "drinking, clubbing, and looking for cute bois." So I clicked "My Profile" again. And again. And it kept taking me back to this page. I don't know if someone got into my Yahoo and set up an account, or if this is some sick joke on Yahoo's end for not ever setting up an account, but either way I went and deleted everything--especially that disgusting picture of boobs--and changed my password. So yes, I'm rather pissed off right now. But hopefully the problem has been solved.

Yes, I am at work right now.

2009-06-04T11:32:00.000-07:00

Yay for having a computer at work!

... but seriously. I can't lie, hearing the whole thing about Izzy and Nick and the near-actual-breakup and dating someone else for a while freaked me out. I always looked to them, consciously or not, as some kind of model for a long-term, long-distance relationship. They're one of those couples where you expect them to get married as soon as college is over, not get embroiled in some weird kind of drama reminiscent of someone else's life. But in all fairness, that's a whole lot of heaping my own expectations on something that I know absolutely nothing about. Also, That line of thinking involves not dealing with life as it's happening to me and trying to make sense of someone else's life as if it were my own.

Either way, I worked myself up over this for a couple hours, probably, until it dawned on me out of nowhere: That was her choice.

It frightened me initially because the whole ordeal proved that yes, it is indeed possible to get embroiled in this kind of drama even if you've had the steadiest, most drama-free relationship ever for the past six years.

But maybe that's part of it: Six years is a long time. People change between freshman year of high school and junior year of college.

In any event, I was thinking--rational or not, I don't care, this is how I was thinking--that if it could happen to her, then it could happen to me. But not like something I wanted; in my mind that kind of drama happens more like a coconut falling out of the sky and landing on my head, and then a flying monkey tries to drag me off kicking and screaming. And then the light bulb came on: It was her choice. It is not my life. The whole drama-tastic situation isn't a flying monkey waiting for the right moment to drop the coconut; life just turned out that way, and that was her decision in dealing with it. But--and here is the important end of that thought--if the same thing happened to me, I would be free to choose however I wanted.

Sometimes I feel like life is sitting out in front of me, already mapped out, but I'm feeling around blindly in the dark and no one's telling me the direction I'm supposed to go. Kind of like when my sister had to write her first research paper and the teacher wouldn't tell the class what exactly they needed to do, she just told them when they were doing it wrong. I suppose the end result of that mindset is that I feel like there's a flying monkey waiting just around the corner to drop a coconut on my head and steal my wallet. But I'm pretty sure that life isn't that way.

I guess, if I had to pin it down, that you can't ever be sure what life is exactly like. But that uncertainty is something you can hang your plans on. "All I know is that I don't know nuthin'." I have to remind myself of that a lot. There are a lot of fears crowding around inside my head: Unalterable destiny of graduationmarriage, the whole idea of graduationmarriage, my extreme perfectionism that makes me worry about these things that actually have no bearing on present day, present time ... but I constantly have to remind myself, for my own benefit more than anyone else's, that these thoughts are merely thoughts; they can't take substance and hurt me. They can't attack me out of nowhere. Once I actually acknowledge that they're there, they're easier to work around--instead of pulling the strings in my mind, they're just rocks jutting out of the waters I'm trying to navigate: Still there, but separate, complete, avoidable.

Sometimes I think I'm crazy, but then I remember, hey, I'm just a woman. I've got fourteen open windows in my head right now and popup ads intruding all over the place, and that's okay. =P

And did I mention that God's after me?

2009-05-05T11:36:00.000-07:00

I haven't even gotten my mind fully around this idea, but on Saturday it occurred to me that God is after me: He will continue to thwart and frustrate my self-made plans at every turn.

I realized this when I was driving home from Ranger shouting "Why does everything I try to do have to end up sucking?" That also ties in with my last year of school, which, overall, has probably given me an anxiety disorder. In retrospect, the Fun/Not Fun balance was extremely off-kilter in the direction of Not Fun--which is to say, there were more parts of it that sucked than there were parts that were good. I don't know why. I'm still not entirely sure. But it occurred to me as I was driving home that, haha, maybe God is out to get me. And then I was like, Wait a minute: I think he really is. I mean, part of it is just that life sucks sometimes, and there's nothing you can do about it. But I also have a sneaking suspicion that God is purposefully thwarting me, at least in my mind, because he has other plans for me--plans far greater than the ones that I am currently creating for myself.

The flipside of this is that I realized that once I give in, I give in. There will be no more cute little plans for the future on my part; I will be accepting with both hands the blank slate that God keeps nudging me with. And he keeps giving me the urge to go get the Unity tattoo. Call this stupid, but my excuse for putting that off has been that I won't be able to hide it in a wedding dress, thus my Nana would kill me when I got married and she saw it, thus I can't get any tattoos until after I get married (which in my nicely-packaged little plans--the ones that God is always thwarting--would still be at least another year and a half away). So I could still ignore God and his blank slate for another year and a half, and afterward I would probably just go, "Oh, that was just youthful college indiscretion; everybody wants to do something rebellious when they're away from home. How droll." And then I would rationalize that nudging doubt away once more.

But here God is, nudging me with that frickin blank slate, telling me to go get a tattoo that says "Unity" so that I can't rationalize everything away and work back into a state of spiritual equilibrium anymore. That's why I had to smoke that cigar on Saturday night. I had to do something just enough out of the ordinary that I couldn't explain away that feeling of being pursued as just another passing fancy. I honestly feel that this is something God is calling me to--but once I go and do that, once I go and get that tattoo, there will be no turning back. I wonder if he didn't tell me to go get that first so that I would have to throw out all my neat little plans, all of which involve me waiting to doing anything until after I graduate or get married. Damn it.

So yes. God is out to get me.

Cold feelings in the night.

2009-03-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

I have to be honest with myself: I've been depressed and listening to Social Distortion (hence the "Cold Feelings in the Night"). Not always a good combination. But I have to own up and admit what's been bothering me, because it's always something different.

1. I'm afraid that, in some way, shape, or form, I'm going to hopelessly screw up my relationship with Aaron beyond repair. Usually my thoughts taunt me from the direction of "what if you fall out of love with him?" And the resulting despair makes me hurt so much that it makes me sick to my stomach, which--ironically--proves that I actually do care (usually a sign of love--giving a crap what happens to the other person) and proves that I do indeed love him. But apparently I'm not even allowed to think such thoughts, even though the conclusion I inevitably arrive at is that Aaron is so much a part of me and my life that I can't even separate him from my thoughts. And that's a good thing.

2. You can tell I'm depressed because I use big words. (Inevitably much?)

3. God is not holding out on me. I can't seem to get that through my head. Or am I just beating myself up over it, and then beating myself up for beating myself up? Am I just freaking out because I'm freaking out? Am I just depressed because I'm depressed?

4. I worried last night that the salad days were over, that here on out it's always going to be this way: Me literally worrying myself sick. Things always seem so much better in retrospect. If only my vision in the present were as clear as my hindsight. Then life would be perfect, huh?

5. But what is perfection? Just another thing I've subconsciously strived for my whole life? No, not even my whole life, there has been a period where I didn't care. Life was life, not a means to the end of perfection. And things haven't changed, my perspective has just unknowingly slid back into how it was before ... ?

6. God will come through for me. He is not holding out on me, and he will come through for me in the end.

7. And at the same time, this is just a rough patch. It happens in life. Maybe today in particular is just a bigger crack in the patch of rough asphalt that I'm going through on the Sidewalk of Life, but either way, there's good patches and there's bad: and they're both life just the same.

8. Furthermore, I know that I tend to respond to things with (1) Pessimism/depression; (2) Beating myself up for said pessimism/depression; (3) Beating myself for beating myself up; (4) Freaking out; (5) Freaking out over freaking out; (6) Getting depressed over the whole process; (7) Getting depressed because I can't even keep myself from getting depressed ... et cetera.

Et cetera is just fun to write out.

But see, what happens next, right, is whenever I manage to cheer myself up, Hatin' Brain (the part of my brain that hates on the rest of me) is like, "Ohhhh, but what about UNRESOLVED ISSUE X?! Shouldn't you have had that one figured out three days ago and been skipping around in spiritual daisies ever since?" And I think that because Hatin' Brain is incredibly cynical, doubts everything, and is almost always in a bad mood, it must be right. Because clearly nothing that is happy has any truth in it. (Hey ... I should start my own philosophical school or something. =P)

Alll I can ever boil it down to is that it's all in my head--life doesn't have its jaws around my throat nearly as much as I tend to believe it does; it's just how I perceive things. And that's a small comfort, but sometimes I wonder if it's the right way of looking at things.

There I go again! The "right" way! There is no right or wrong way to life. There is living. It's a pretty inclusive term, whether I like it or not. Fact of the matter is that tomorrow doesn't functionally exist, my thoughts don't exist outside of my own head, and despite the cold nasty weather it's a miracle that I'm alive and breathing. And shut up, Hatin' Brain, I'll never resolve the fear of losing Aaron.

Ugh. I'm confused.

I'm feeling unproductive.

2009-01-21T17:54:00.001-08:00

I should be doing homework, but instead I find myself listening to Madness and attempting to put posters on the walls (doesn't work too well, by the way, but smaller paper stuffs--flyers, the like--stay up pretty well). The warm weather and listening to the Skoidats on the way to church has given me the wanderlust, and on top of that, our current Bible study in the college group is over Epic by John Eldredge. Now it just keeps bringing me back to The Journey of Desire, and that deep and intense yearning to be part of something larger than myself ... to be part of a larger story (which is what Epic is about) ... to do ... something. It's like, in my brain, life doesn't start til after college. I think that's why I keep rushing myself to finish periodically ... my thoughts are hedged in terms of "I need to get this out of the way before I can do anything else."

You want to know something else funny? I don't have weird marriage paranoia when I think in terms of Journey of Desire or Epic. I ask myself the question, what is the deepest desire of my heart?--and I can feel it; I can feel the answer. Somewhere deep in there is the need to wander, the need to meet and reach out to people; and I definitely want Aaron to be there with me. There's none of those lingering cultural questions like "but what if he isn't THE ONE?" Fact of the matter stands, I don't give a rat's ... backside ... if there even is such a thing as "THE ONE," because even if there is, Aaron's the person I want to be with. Well, that makes sense in my own head. Anyway.

In any event, I've realized that I don't want to "grow up," settle down, get married, have kids, you know the drill, just because it's what I'm supposed to do. There's nothing wrong with any of those things, and I'm not throwing out the idea that I'll ever do them. But I absolutely refuse to do it because it's what I'm supposed to do. I'm not going to get married because it's a cultural rite of passage that I absolutely have to go through, so I might as well pick the least offensive person for the job; I'm going to get married, when I do, because I want to.

What is the deepest desire of my heart? ... I can feel it, but I can't explain it. And at this point, I wish that it would come about sooner--I have a deep and intense longing for it. Aaaargh.

And on that note:

2009-01-14T22:58:00.001-08:00

I feel the burning need to make fun of the e-mail that she sent me that one time. Hooray!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: chloeDate: Jul 30, 2007 1:45 PM
this is so awkward but ummm on your profile and onn aaron's it like says ya'll are together how long has this been going on because like umm some stuff like happened this summer and i hope you two just barely started going out other wise i feell really bad about this whole situation so like message me back so i can figure out whats going on aarons messing with one of our heads and i need to figure out which one of ours it is ok??sorry again lol

Thought 1: Holy crap, how old do you think I am, twelve?

Thought 2: Who takes the time to write "umm" in an e-mail?

Thought 3: Same question, this time regarding "like."

Thought 4: A drunken one-armed monkey named Jimmy the Wonder Ferret could type better than you, and he's on edge because he's about to go to rehab. What's your excuse?

Thought 5: ... was the most sarcastic e-mail that I've ever written:

From: Emily
Date: Jul 30, 2007 4:31 PM

So.

Hello.

Just so you know, I don't believe a word of this crap. Never have, never will. It's not even worth the effort of trying to convince me. =P In case you didn't notice, I'm a grown woman who doesn't subscribe to juvenile MySpace getting-back-at-someone-else gags. In all honesty, there are two things about this whole prepubescent attempt at revenge that really make me angry: One, you were trying to mess with Aaron. That by itself pisses me off to no end, as I get pretty touchy when people screw around with the people I care about. Two, on top of trying to destroy the life of someone I love, you tried to do it through me. What do you take me for, a twelve-year-old? Did you really think that you could manipulate me that easily? I'm insulted that you think that I'm that stupid. Actually, come to think of it, I'm almost impressed that you're so shallow that you thought you could use me to get back at Aaron in some way. Wow.

So ... yes. Before the sarcasm gets truly biting, I will end this e-mail with: Just leave us alone. I'm insulted that you really thought that you could get back at Aaron by sending me e-mails full of your nonsensical, juvenile, lying, entirely fictional ... sweet mother o' mercy ... I can't think of any other adjectives that aren't full of expletives. And I'm not going to sink to that level. =P Whatever the case, leave me out of your twelve-year-old mind games. They clearly don't work on me.

Nice doing business with you.

... Emily

And oh yes. While I'm thinking about it: Don't try that "It was all a mistake" crap on me, either. I, being a girl myself, know how we think, and that was a very deliberate action on your part. Thanks to this whole episode, I will never believe another word that comes out of your mouth ... as if I would've in the first place.

And don't you talk smack about Aaron around me. I will not hesitate to kick yer butt. I'm pretty sure that I've got half the city of Abilene on my side, too. So, back off.

And learn to spell.

And learn another word beside "like."

Happy holidays to all.

("You were feeling really bad about this whole situation" ... oh my ... good god ... how manipulative can you get? It really floors me every time I read this. Did you think that you could play me like some kind of game? Did you really think that low of me? Some advice, my friend: Get a job. Get a hobby. Whatever you get, get off MySpace.)

Thought 1: ... that is single-handedly the most sarcastic piece of communication that I've ever written. If I hadn't been in such a blind rage I probably would've just cussed a lot. As it was, I think that my apparent calm scared the piss out of her, because she tried to pretend like nothing had ever happened:

yes mistakes take place somewhere in this picture you look alot like a girl I know rather well so my mistake.....her MIDDLE name is emily and I thought she was trying to run from me.....trying to subclude herself in some manner......but I didnt even look at you pictures this whole deal is NOT my fault, I told my friend about the ordeal I was in she knew my myspace password and I didnt write any of this stuff......I dont know how it came to be that you AND your significant other got mixed up in this I am sorry to the fullest about this situation what ever damage has been caused by these words I am sorry I take responsability for what has happened because I was stupid enough to let someone know my password I am confused on what all has been said....Im not asking you to forgive me or anything I just wanted to clear things up

have a good life high hopes for you and your loved one-Chloe

Thought 1: ... pretty sure that "subclude" isn't a word. Good try, though. Attempting to sound smart so that I would think that we had something in common. FAIL!

Thought 2: Once again, the drunken monkey can write--and lie--better. Your excuse about a friend having your MySpace password is complete BS. Oh yes, and so is "her MIDDLE name is Emily." Kudos for a lie so transparent that, if you used it as a sliding glass door, birds would fly into it on sunny days. I'm impressed ... at your stupidity! Bahaha!

Maybe I should lay off this for a while. I'm starting to get really smarcastic. =P Oh well. It made me feel better.

I do have to add, though ...

2009-01-14T22:44:00.000-08:00

... that I've always wanted to go on Stormy's (Aaron's distant ex) MySpace page and write, "Your poetry is trite and cliched! Try using a metaphor instead of a simile every once in a while! And for God's sake, everyone your age has written an America-sucks-so-hard poem ... at least write about something original!"

But then again, I don't really care, because (as I've mentioned before) she doesn't even appear on my radar anymore. Every now and then I remember when she created the fake MySpace page, and then I remember how much I want to go make fun of her poetry. The least she could do is use halfway decent grammar.

Maybe I'm just bitter because she has 5.3 billion friends who all fawn over her terrible poetry because they wouldn't know good literature if it latched itself onto their right legs and called them all George, while clearly I'm a literary genius who is much more deserving of their praise and adoration. Yeah, I think that's part of it. Stupid subconscious jealousy. Oh well. At least I can laugh at it, I reckon. =P

Life and stuff.

2008-10-30T09:23:00.000-07:00

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

So come to realize that things have gotten out of hand again; I had my entire life--or at least enough of it to seem like my entire life--planned out again, and how hollow and unsatisfying it was. Or maybe the problem is rather that it was entirely too satisfying. I wrote it down in my notebook during Methods--that's how eerily planned out it was:

Graduate from Hardin-Simmons in December of 2010 with a bachelor's (BBS) in theology and a Spanish minor and get a job as a youth minister, or some other steady one in the church, or at least find a steady job relating to the Spanish minor.
Get married in March or April of 2011 and move with Aaron to wherever he wants to finish school, where hopefully I'll have the steady job mentioned in point 1.
Rinse and repeat. (?)

So my life has been reduced to a set of instructions that could be printed on the back of a spiritual shampoo bottle. And the scary thing is that the idea that I have to be Uberchristian--the perfect Christian--has reared its ugly head once again and caught me hook, line, and sinker without my noticing it until now. Because while going through points 1 through three, I'm also supposed to: have perfect doctrine, apply it perfectly in my life, have perfect Christian discipline all the time and be perfectly content with it.

Where the hell has life gone?

In finding my life--in planning it all out--I lost it--the freedom to live in Christ, here and now, to enjoy the life that God has given me. Somehow I started clinging once again to the idea of the Uberchristian, that I'm 100% perfect 100% of the time or I'm no Christian at all.

Good lord. It's the Emily Miculkaitis flaring up again.

That is the exact language of Emily Miculkaitis. I can point you, or myself for that matter, toward things I wrote in freshman and sophomore years of high school that say exactly the same thing: "I feel like I have to be 100% perfect 100% of the time." And I had so discounted the Emily Miculkaitis since WorldChangers, thinking that I'd defeated it once and for all, that it never even appeared on the radar as the source of these problems. Aw, crap.

Well, at least once you see something for what it really is, it no longer has any power over you. Funny thing, deception. When you realize that you're being deceived, you're not deceived anymore.

I haven't blogged since dinosaurs ruled the Earth.

2008-10-05T11:14:00.001-07:00

I'm so ridiculously busy that I haven't even had time to write about how ridiculously busy I am. Pretty much, I go to class from 9 t0 5, go to work from 5 to 9, and then come back to school and do homework until midnight (or 2:30, it depends how much homework I have). The first time I got out in a while, just for the heck of it, was when I hung out with Caitlyn on my birthday. I think that I need to get out more. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy, or Emily a dull girl, or however you want to put it. Seriously. "Srsly guysh!"

Haven't blogged in a while.

2008-08-30T19:52:00.000-07:00

Sitting here waiting for Aaron to call me. I already did all my homework. Bought a birthday present for Moth-er earlier. Ate dinner at Chick-Fil-A and got free ice cream ... good night? Reckon so. I feel like posting random things on the political theology message board, but maybe that's because I just like to argue with people (pretty sure that's part of it--it's in my blood). Unfortunately, all the threads are about stuff like the Democratic National Convention and speeches by Barack and Michelle Obama, and I don't have TV (so I can't really watch them as they happen), plus I don't really care about that anyway. I did actually post a reply to a thread about John McCain choosing Sarah Palin as his VP, but hey, that's just because I read an article about that on MSNBC and I actually kind of knew what I was talking about. Part of me wants to ask people what they think about anarchy just to see what they say. =P Not like I'm an anarachist, because I don't agree with the whole principle of anarchy (my main argument being that people are jerks by nature, and they couldn't function without government to keep them in line--we'd all just end up shooting each other) ... I guess I just want to see how people would react. I like stirring people entirely too much. But then the rest of me keeps me polite, so I just rebel quietly through smarmy remarks. I guess it works. =P

Thought again today.

2008-08-17T13:32:00.000-07:00

Thought again today (during church--my mind wanders sometimes ... =P) and realized that youth ministry is not out completely. What is punk? By and large, a youth culture. The idea of being a youth minister is not completely ruled out. I might go ahead and "officially" become a minister whenever I get out of college. This morning it occurred to me that whenever I get out of school God might just point me in the right direction as an actual minister. I know, right? Seems like I would've thought of that before. =P I had always discounted the idea of being a "professional Christian" because ... well, I don't know--but for some reason it kind of occurred to me that maybe I could work that way. Interesting.

No more drugs!

2008-08-12T09:13:00.000-07:00

I'm down to penicillin now, so no more weird mood changes. I still get tired easily, but that's probably because I'm just not eating as well. =P My teeth do hurt when I wake up, but I guess that can be expected. I actually slept okay last night because I wasn't tweaking on my steroids.

My mom's doing okay. She can walk around now; we went to WalMart last night and she got to ride in one of the scooters. =P Everything's going pretty good. Yay!

I've been tripping out most of the day.

2008-08-09T16:57:00.001-07:00

My mom fell this morning and cut her ear open, but she's doing okay now (she had surgery yesterday and got faint in the shower this morning, which led to her passing out and cutting a flap back of her ear). And I think that I'm coming off a pain med high or something, because I've been in a mild daze all day and everything just pisses me off easily. And I talk too loud. So yes. O.o Weird emotional rollercoaster all day. We're backing off to ibuprofen cause I don't need my hardcore pain stuffs anymore.

That friggin book.

2008-07-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

I've been reading The Journey of Desire by John Elderidge. Now I've realized that, once again, I've been sitting over here in my little corner settling for what I deem is a nice, secure, stable life--but that's the problem. That idea is merely "nice." Meanwhile, there is something deep within my soul that occasionally manages to break through the settling-for-"nice" and washes over me like a wave, and I realize that my deepest passion is NOT to settle down, have a stable life, be conventional, whatever. And that is a good thing. What Mr. Elderidge is saying in his book is that human beings are creatures of desire; we long for a better world--essentially, for the paradise that was lost--and we spiritually kill ourselves when we merely settle for mindless living. What Jesus was offering, he points out, was Life--appealing to that desire inside of us; whereas the Pharisees were offering religion as a kind of duty--following rules and obeying regulations as a means to "life."

So then I come to this realization that, hey, I'm doing this too--focusing more on religion as an anti-sin than religion as Life. And yes, there is a difference. A big one. Then when I'm reading this book I realize that I'm merely settling in my own head: There is so much more that I want to do than to have a steady job and live in a nice little apartment and sit around, go to work, come home, watch TV, go to bed, wake up the next day, repeat. I've been doing that all summer (minus the nice little apartment, I guess =P) and I realize that I've wasted two months of my life. There is nothing I fear more than waking up one day, being forty-two years old, realizing that I'm tied down by things that I thought would satisfy me and that I've pissed away half my life without having ever truly lived. I guess that's everyone's fear, but now it's got me more strongly than ever--well, maybe not in fear form, but in "I just realized that this is not what I want" form.

And then another part of me realizes that in planning my life so extensively, I'm afraid that I might be trying to pull Aaron down into that murk with me. And that terrifies me. I want him to Live too, not to be stuck in some job that just pays the bills in order to make him and/or me happy. I feel like I've been subversive in some way that even I wasn't fully conscious of ...

I dunno. I guess I need to finish reading my book and see this thing through to the end.

I haven't blogged in a while.

2008-07-10T17:00:00.000-07:00

Aaron's back. Sometimes it's odd to think that I actually get to see him once a week. =P After going for so long without getting to see him, I'm just like ... "Hey, I get to see him again? Sweet." =P

Still working at the library. Still loving it. Carts of children's books, however, are brutal, because you can fit five or six in the space that a mid-sized fiction book would take up, so it takes about twice as long to do one children's cart. And that's about all I had to do today. >.< Urgh. But hey, I could be having to ... I dunno ... work in a tannery. I saw that on Dirty Jobs the other night. I don't think that I would survive.

So I checked out "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Getting a Tattoo" from the library yesterday just because it was interesting (I'm not planning on getting a tattoo anytime soon ... that's a little further down the road =P). Did you know that it stays in place because the phagocytes (little organelles that "eat" invaders of the cell) eat the ink and hold it in place? I didn't know that. Thought it was pretty interesting.

I'm on a bit of a Hellboy kick. I still kind of want to go to Hastings and see if they've gotten the movie back in yet, but I don't feel like driving across town ... darn.

I also feel like writing stories again, but the worst part is trying to start them--and I can't get past that. It's been driving me crazy. Maybe at some point I'll be able to break the writer's block and get a decent story going ... oh well.

Yep. That's about all that's been up recently.

Good day!

2008-06-30T12:56:00.001-07:00

Several reasons:

(1) AARON'S HOME! :D I'm so excited. This is more exciting than Christmas. =P And that's really saying something. So ... I'm going to go see him Friday-Saturday of this week. I'm quite excited.

(2) The whole schedule thing at work turned out to be nothing! They just accidentally transposed my schedule with another person's on that printout. So I was right, I actually had those days off, and I wasn't supposed to come in to work (well, unless I just felt like it). So I worried myself over nothing. But hey, at least I don't have anything to worry about, and because I went in this morning to talk to my supervisor I just decided to stick around and go ahead and get my four hours in from 9-1. So now I'm done with work for the day. Hooray!

(3) I'm probably going to hang out with Wyatt (not Wyatt that you've met, Ana, a different one) tonight and catch up with him. I don't think I've seen him since December ... it'll be good times.

So yes. This counteracts the Sucky Saturday. Awesome.

Oh goodness.

2008-06-28T16:33:00.000-07:00

Terrible day.

(1) Kid that I haven't seen since Jr High--name of David Reinhardt (different guy than ex-boyfriend David)--calls me out of the blue and wants to go to the drive-in with me. I, in my infinite genius, go, "Dur, okay." So I've been beating myself up about that all day. Lucky for me I realized at work that I was like, I really don't want to hang out with him, I think he's pulling a Tom on me and trying to very straightforward-ly (yes, that is so a word now) and rather awkwardly pick me up. Come to find out my dad didn't really want me to go either, mostly because I haven't seen David in years and he might be a total creep now. Plus, I would've felt bad if I did go because it so clearly seemed like he wanted a date, when I already have a boyfriend, and Aaron would have been justifiably upset (even though he understands that I'm not cheating on him, I know there would've been hurt feelings because I have little experience with boys and don't know how to tactfully say no). But it's okay, because here's what happens: David calls me back; I tell him I'm sorry to flake out on him (not really) but I had a terrible day at work and I'm going to bed early tonight (mostly true), and I also casually mention that at some point next week I'm going to go visit my boyfriend. Score one for me. Or something. =P So that problem's solved, I guess. For now.

(2) I get to work and find out that I was actually schedule to work three days that I didn't come in, because I thought that I had those days off. So I naturally freaked out. Called my dad on my break and asked him what the heck I was supposed to do, and he told me to leave a note for my supervisor (she wasn't in today--of course) and go see her on Monday morning to apologize/figure out what the heck happened. Just sos ya know, last time I saw a schedule before today, it said that I had Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of this past week off; I go and look at the schedule today and it said I was supposed to work on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Apparently they changed the schedule when I wasn't there. And they never called me to tell me to come to work ... soooo ... I guess I might as well stop worrying now, because there's nothing else I can do about it.

(3) Some rather mentally slow man with a stutter asked me for my phone number today, and afterward I kept hiding from him. So that just stressed me out even more. He was talking to all the library girls working today. I just hid in the back and ran around when he wasn't looking ... but that still stresses me out. Ugh. :(

Yep. It was kind of a sucky day, but things are looking up now, anyway. I reckon.

It probably bears mentioning.

2008-06-25T20:22:00.000-07:00

Aaron's quitting the band when he gets back from tour. He's tired of putting up with people's crap (not everyone ... just one person who shall go unnamed). So ... yeah. It's ironic; he's actually doing better now, or at least enjoying himself more, because he doesn't care if "people" give him crap because he's not going to be in the band after tour. Oh, the irony.

But yeah. I guess the plus side is that he wants to get a part-time job and start going to school now. But he's pretty secure in what he's doing (as in, he's pretty secure in wanting to leave the band--it's his decision and no one else's), and I'm happy for him in that respect, but I'm also sad for him in that it's the end of an era. I've been there before--watched the death of SkaSkank--and that wasn't even as bad, because we were never as serious, never went as far, never lasted as long. So yeah.

Yep. I just figured it was worth mentioning ...

A good day.

2008-06-21T16:37:00.000-07:00

And on that note, Ana, don't worry, the crazy only lasted for about an hour. By the time I got to work that day I was doing okay. =P And I should probably rephrase "not thinking about it" as "not worrying about it," which is more along the lines of what you described to me (very good advice, by the way =P).

But today was great! Aaron's little sister had a band concert this morning (she's been at McMurry band camp all week), and she did great. She has a fancy wooden clarinet that they got ridiculously cheap through magic Army channels. =P It was funny, they called me this morning at 8:45, and I was like ... "hrrrunnnfdmsaklfr?" When I got there Aaron's dad was waiting outside for me, and when I got up in the bleachers I didn't even recognize Austin (Aaron's older brother). It took me a moment to realize who he was. =P But I had a good time, and I realized just how much I've missed my second family. Afterward we went and ate lunch at Golden Corral. It was a grand day.

By the way, Ana, since I know you're reading this, Austin is single. Haha. ;) Plus, I told him that I'd start spreading his name around, so at the very least you're gonna have to help me get word out. He said he wants a good girl. He's tired of bad girls. =P

I think I just realized that Aaron is still a real person.

2008-06-19T15:30:00.000-07:00

He's on the far right, in the red shirt. This is the first--and only--picture of him on tour that I have seen thus far (it was taken by April and posted on her MySpace). Granted, it's from the very first day, which is why everyone is so clean-shaven and still somewhat cheerful-looking--and yes, that's Billy Spears in a miniskirt and fishnets. A sight I wish I would never have seen. =P

But all the same. All of a sudden I realized that Aaron is still a real person or something. Do you know how long it's been since I've seen him? Memorial Day--May 26th, I believe--was the last time I was in Ranger. Actually, I saw him again the day after that, the 27th, whenever he and Jeremy came to Abilene for last-minute tour shopping, but I didn't really get any private time with him then because he came with someone else. Plus, there was a storm rolling in that night, so the rain kind of curtailed hanging out.

I think that I've survived so far by not thinking about it, because all of a sudden a fresh wave of missing him like crazy has washed over me. I was doing okay in not thinking about it. Now I'm going crazy all over again. =(

Several things.

2008-06-13T21:32:00.000-07:00

One: I have passed the "crazy" bump, I believe--in other words, I'm not going crazy about Aaron being gone anymore. They're officially halfway done with tour, or close to being halfway done (within the next day or two), so every step is a step closer to home from here on out ... so yeah. He's still gonna be gone for the next two/two and half weeks, but I think I'll be okay. =P Clearly I made it through this past week even though I didn't think I could. I think we're gonna be alright. =P

Two: ... got to thinking again, and I realized that about half the time I plan my life based on security--you know, get a job working as a youth minister or something, settle down, whatever--and the other half of the time I snap out of it and realize that, right now, I'm only planning on doing that because I seek security. NOT, and it should be noted, because I feel that that's what God is calling me to do. The thing here is that the strongest call I feel right now is to somehow be a minister to the punks. I want to be in music. I feel a calling there right now. And I don't mean "a calling in music" like being a music minister or something ... I mean the nitty-gritty, life on the road, meeting people and showing them (as Nina and her hubby did for LRS) that "Christian" does not equal "asshole." But you can't make a living out of that.

Maybe I'm too obssessed with the idea of finding a career and settling into it right now. I don't think I'm being called to any kind of conventional career, at least not for now ... I guess there's no telling about the future. But then again, I reckon that it kind of makes sense, because since when have I ever been conventional? =P Seriously, though. It's kind of terrifying. It's like a leap into the unknown, and I'm not even there yet (or close to being at that point of decision). At this point, alls I know is that I'm going to finish college and figure it out from there.

I guess, when I think about it, that God doesn't seem to call people to things that they feel comfortable doing. If I stayed in my comfort zone all the time, where would I be? ... I'd probably still be my old misguided-legalistic self, halfway normal (I say halfway because I've never been completely "normal"), definitely not punk, definitely not as open and genuine as I am nowadays. I've come a long way to be this open with people, I think. If I had stayed in my comfort zone--if my world had never inexplicably, for utterly no reason, collapsed on itself--I would still be living in my little shell, my self-made chains, crammed into a spiritual prison cell that I thought was the whole world. I would definitely not be the Emily I am today--I know that for sure. My life has changed too much.

So ... I reckon that all I can do is embrace it, and make that leap when the time comes.

That also kind of throws out my plans of getting married right after college (yes, shoot me ... or roll your eyes at me ... that's what I've been thinking about a lot lately). Which is pretty scary, because that's something that, at this point, I definitely want to do. Buuuuuuut ... God kind of works on his own timing, I reckon. Keeps us on our toes or something. I guess that's not to say that that definitely throws out the idea of getting married or summat; I think that it means, more, that I'm throwing out all my plans and embracing the fact that I really have no idea what God has planned for me. It means that I'm throwing out all my neatly-structured plans and embracing the fact I really have no idea about the future--even further, that the future doesn't functionally exist, that all I have is Now. Today. The present. Life is lived in the moment, you know ... dag. Dag. Dag. ... that's all I can say. I think I just had a minor revelation.

Dag. That kills the wedding lust (it's been running rampant lately, I'll admit it ... but just to you, Ana, since you're probably the only person reading this =P). The wedding lust is very strongly tied in to my plans for a neat and tidy little life that I already have planned out in my head. But life doesn't follow yer plans ... you can't cram it into a tidy square and put it into your day planner. Life kind of happense to you, not the other way around.

That's it. Time for the "Life Won't Wait" tattoo. =P

(On tattoos: I think I decided that some day I'm going to get "Don't let 'em take it all away" on the back of my right arm ... AKA my open-defiance,-screw-you-I'm-going-to-live song by Mustard Plug. =P)

Dang. Well, I guess that God has to give me a kick in the pants from time to time and go, "Hey, you! I didn't call you to live a life of security! You knew when you signed up for this bidness that I got different things in store for you. Just wing it. You should know that by now." =P Goodness. That God guy. He's too clever (and full of incredible smartitude ... things like that). =P

Yep. You just witnessed a minor revelation/reminder in action. Interesting how that works out.

I miss Aaron. =(

2008-06-04T07:57:00.000-07:00

It's only been a week since the last time I saw him, but I miss him so much that my heart physically hurts. My memories have become three-dimensional (I don't know how to explain that other than I miss him so much that my memories have taken on a real quality; it's unusual). Since Friday I've felt like I would go absolutely crazy if I didn't see him the next day, but that doesn't change the fact that I won't get to see him until June 23 or 24 at the absolute earliest (that's assuming that they don't get any extra dates and go ahead and come back). Somehow I manage to keep going. I was looking at all the pictures of him in my phone last night, and I was almost floored by the fact that he exists in real life, not just the phone. I miss him so much. =( I can't watch couples; it hurts too much. All I can think about is Aaron. I have become, even more than I already was, unsympathetic to other people's relationship problems in my own head, because I'm like ... "oh no, you only get to see your boyfriend twice a week? I won't get to see mine for a month." And it's not like I can go visit him. He's in a different place every day. =( I wish that I could've gone, but I know that I couldn't have, but what's really unfair to me is that April got to go on tour and I didn't. Because the number-one reason I planned on not being able to go anyway was because no girlfriends were supposed to be allowed. Oops. Funny how that works out. But at least Aaron's having a good time, and I'm happy for him; I just wish that I was there with him ... =(

So.

2008-05-29T11:10:00.000-07:00

The guys (being Kyle and Billy, and by extension April, and they might've gotten Jeremy on the bandwagon) want to move the collective body of Last Rate Service ... to Austin. And Aaron is caught up in quite a pickle because he doesn't know what he wants to do, and he's pissed off because when Billy and Kyle were talking seriously of quitting the band (Billy actually did for a while), Aaron was still there--he told Jeremy that he wasn't going to quit even if they were down two members--and now his opinion carries no weight. And you know the kicker? They want to move by January. They used to be saying in a year and half, but now Kyle and April's lease is up in January, and they've decided that they need to move the band to Austin. Plus, whenever Aaron was talking to Kyle about it (he said that he couldn't really do that for another two years--ie, whenever I graduate ...), April piped in and said that the band needed to get out of Abilene before two years.

That one hurt. I know that they have no idea that Aaron was referring to when I would graduate from college, but it still hurt. I don't know. In all honesty, I don't want him to move to Austin, simply because I can't make the four-hour drive to Austin by myself every weekend. And there's no way I'm transferring schools; I'm staying at HSU. But the fact of the matter also stands that I want him to live his life however he wants to live it, and if he indeed moved to Austin, I wouldn't leave him or anything--I wouldn't think he was choosing the band over me or some such--I would just be incredibly sad because I'd get to see him even less than I already do. But I've told him over and again, if the only thing you're worried about is me leaving you because you move, you don't have to worry; I'm not going to do that. But it's more complicated than that. He's in a bind because he's torn between the two biggest things in his life.

I dunno. I guess some girls (a lot, actually) would get pissy if their boyfriends even considered a band to be on the same level as them. Consider this: He honestly wouldn't be the person he is today because of his band. I might never have met him if he hadn't started that band with Jeremy; that's what started bringing him to Abilene on a regular basis. It is his hope, his dream. Music is his life. I understand perfectly. I actually feel pretty important because I pull as much weight as it--he really doesn't want to leave me behind. Last night he was looking at acoustic guitars on Musician's Friend so that he could learn how to play guitar and do his own musical act. Without the rest of the band. That is how much he doesn't want to leave me behind.

But then again, that band is his hope, his dream, his life. He wants to make a living playing music. I understand; I feel the same way. And they want to pick up and move four hours away, with or without him. That hurts. That is one hell of a decision to make.

I don't know. It's kind of my business, but I also realize that it is his decision, and in the end I'll support him either way. There's no entirely happy outcome--it'll be bittersweet either way. At this point I'm still hoping that this is just a pipe dream that will blow over like it has every other time before (they've been saying that they're going to move to Austin ... pretty much since the band started).

That's another thing. That's kind of what I'm hoping for. Aaron and Jerm have always said that they're going to move to Austin, but they still haven't--and after he started dating me, Aaron began fervently wishing that they didn't move yet, because he didn't want to have to make that call. He doesn't want to go without me. And I can't move anywhere until after I'm out of school ... which will be, at the earliest, another two years from now. Two and a half years, more likely than not, unless I started taking summer classes--

And when I told him that I could do that, that I could probably take summer classes and graduate early, he told me not to rush myself because of him. He was like, "You're too damn start; don't waste it on me. Stay in school as long as you can." And I thought, I wouldn't call it wasting if it was because of you, but I do agree with the don't-rush thing. I'm still pretty scared of the so-called "real world." Pretty much all of my life that I can remember up until this point, I have been in school--from public school to college. And whenever I graduate I'll be pushed out into the world at large, and everything I've ever known (school) will suddenly be replaced by something else. I still think that that's a rather unfair transition. =P Oh well. All I know about the post-school future at this point is that I want to be with Aaron, and if that means moving to Austin, then so be it. Unless, I suppose, they decide to move to Austin this January and he stays behind for me ...

I don't know. I really don't. Once again, I guess that it isn't ultimately my call, but it still worries me--mostly because Aaron's worried, and I tend to feel what he does. I guess just ... pray. I don't know what for, because God's pretty flexible and can work whether he goes to Austin or stays here, but just pray. January's still pretty far away. We have time to figure this thing out ...

All the old times come rushing back.

2008-05-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

Been reading those "Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul" books before I go to bed (so sue me ... I have two that I got in jr high, and I've been bored =P). They actually just made me remember all over again all the heartbreak I've been through over the last few years of my life, probably because I used to read those when I was younger and I felt bad over stupid boys. I dunno. There has been a whole lot of heartbreak over the years.

1. First big crush: James. A guy in my rec tennis class. It was almost your stereotypical junior high crush (I was in seventh grade at the time): Older (he was an eighth-grader), distant, cool, exotic (his parents were Chinese, I think), best player in the class ... whatever. He was also a jerk to my friends and, later, to me, although that was in a more roundabout way. Broke my heart. I cried over him all summer and a little bit into the next year, because I still saw him every now and then at school. Man ... I was so obsessed with him. In retrospect I can't blame him for freaking out. It was probably pretty creepy. =P Junior high kids don't handle crushes very well; they verge on obsession. Oops.

2. Next big crush: Paul, part 1--I think. I think this happened at the beginning of the 8th grade year. I had a crush on Lyka's older brother because he would kind of hang out with us whenever I was over. Once again, older, exotic, distant ... best friend's older brother. =P You know. I was obsessed for a while, but then it was replaced by--

3. Michael. Poor boy, I probably scared the crap out of him when he found out I had a crush on him, because it was so out of the blue. It was the first time that I'd liked someone my own age. I thought he was the shiz because he was a smart kid like me, although in retrospect, we are completely different people now. I can say that because I got over him by about that summer, we both still went to the same school, we eventually just became friends/acquaintances again ... as a matter of fact, one day after a Calculus test senior year, I forgot that I needed a ride home after 5th period, and all my friends left me when I was finishing my test. So I went and stood in the atrium at the front of the school and wondered what I was going to do. Turns out another one of the girls in Calculus needed a ride home, so we were commiserating for a while, and then Michael came out (he'd finished after us) and I was like, "Heeeey, Michael ... wanna give me a ride home?" =P In that way that I've done to all my friends at some point or another; I definitely didn't like him anymore at this point. He, being a nice guy, took me and the other girl home. That definitely cemented his position on the "one of the genuinely good people at Wylie" list. When I got home, I called Lyka, because I thought it was funny how I would've killed for such an opportunity in 8th grade, but now I was just like, Oh, yeah, Michael's a good kid. Funny how things work out. =P

4. Paul, part 2. I started liking Paul again when we actually got to high school, because once again, he would come over and talk to us at football games and stuff. Wasn't hard for all the old emotion to come rushing back, especially for a hormonal fifteen-year-old. But then I found out that he already had a crush on someone his own age, and I was crushed. Got over it, yeah, but not without writing depressing unrequited-love poetry first.

5. David. Ah, David. I think that I had a tiny crush on him much longer than I would've admitted, but I knew that he used to have a crush on a girl his own age earlier in the year, so I didn't think I even had a chance. Then he started walking with me around school when he didn't have to, and we were both in the same band (SkaSkank Redemption), and after the FCA Talent Show he gave me a ride over to Taco Bueno, where we met up with the rest of the band. Then he paid for my dinner. That should've been clue enough right there, but I decided that he was just being nice and that I didn't actually like him, at which point Lyka promptly replied that I was in denial. "Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, Emily!" I heard that so much over the next couple of days. And then on Wednesday he asked me out. =P I guess she was right.

I'm not gonna lie, I floated all the way home. And at church that night. And for the next two months. And then he started doing badly in PreCal, so his parents grounded him--for two weeks, or until he brought his grades up. We never really talked on the phone, just at/after school, and because he was grounded he wasn't allowed to drive me home for two weeks, as I recall--so I pretty much didn't hear from him for two weeks. And then, the first day that he took me home again after all that time, he took the short way home (he usually took the longer way to have more time together)--I should've known then that something was up. He'd seemed kind of distant and worried. Whenever we got to my house, Alyssa went inside and as I was getting my stuff out of the trunk he was like, "Emily, I have something to tell you ... while we were apart, my feelings for you changed." That's all I remember, and I still remember that part word-for-word--"my feelings for you changed." I started sobbing the wail of the brokenhearted, uncontrollably, and sat down in my driveway. Then I threw up (I have a tendency to do that when I'm extremely nervous/scared/upset/what have you). David went inside and got my dad--I'll give him that much; the boy wasn't an asshole--who picked me up and got my stuff and helped me inside. And I just cried into his arms for I don't know how long.

Alyssa had a softball game that night. I went for a while, feeling--and I'm not being dramatic--completely numb. I don't remember much except that my mom took me home about halfway through because I was having such a hard time not crying. I barely ate dinner that night. I don't know how I slept. I probably cried myself to sleep; I don't remember. The next day wasn't much better.

And every time I saw him at school--and at band practice--it just drove another stake deeper into my heart. I was convinced that I was too afraid of getting hurt again to ever like somebody else, because at that point it didn't seem like I could ever like someone else.

But gradually I moved on. We became friends again, even if a large part of me still liked him, and I think because I was so determined to be friends we did become just that. It wasn't until a full year later that I realized I didn't have a crush on him anymore, and I really was just friends. He's still a cool guy. At this point the months and years I have known him as a friend far outweighs any time I have known him as a boyfriend, so we're cool. I guess this story ends kind of happily after all. But spring of sophomore year led to--

6. Andrew, Sam, and Kyle (not Kyle Perkins). Andrew was the boy I met at, of all places, the Justo Lamas concert (a Spanish class field trip) in San Angelo and who asked me for my number. We had the same area code, so we'd talk on the phone for a while off and on ... he called out of the blue a couple of years ago on the fourth of July, and we talked for a while, but at that point I didn't really have a crush on him anymore. Sam was (and is) trombone player for a ska band in the Metroplex. He's a year older than me. I met him at the Catch 22 show at the Door in April of 2005. He protected me from the mosh pit (should've known then what was coming). At the end of the night there was an exchange of phone numbers, and we started talking, mostly online but sometimes on the phone, just about every day. I had a stubborn crush on him that persisted until I realized that I liked him more for the attention he was giving me than for him as a person ... but I didn't realize that until at least the end of that summer, probably later. It caused me a lot of grief in the meantime. Finally, Kyle is someone you probably know. I liked him for about two weeks after we played a show that he set up at ColdStone. There was definitely some flirting going on that night. Actually, make that a lot of flirting. I thought he was so exotic and punk rock and ... man. He also got his last girlfriend pregnant (or so she claimed). Oops. Kind of glad that didn't go anywhere. It's funny though, because the crush burned out quickly and we were just friends, and we still are. He's always come up to me at shows and said what's up and given me a hug, long after any intrigue on either of our parts faded away. It was muchly appreciated.

7. I think I went without really liking someone until spring of junior year--then it was Randall. I realized at State UIL that I had a really big crush on him. Nothing ever came of it, though, and it faded out of the picture by about halfway through summer.

8. Gustav. Oh, Gustav. I almost forgot about him.

His real name was David. He was from North Carolina. I met him on the WorldChangers mission trip in Louisiana and was convinced that it was destiny or something because he was the only person outside of my family who I have ever met who ran up to people he didn't know and shouted "Caaaaaw!" at them. He was so strange. I thought it was fantastic. He kind of got adopted into our crew of ten kids from our church, and he ended up hanging out with us a lot over the course of the week. On the last night, he was hanging out with a group of us from Wylie, and we were hiding from the Curfew Gestapo behind our building ... and we didn't get caught! It was awesome. But after that he left. We still talked on MySpace for a while, but gradually we both moved on--him faster than me, apparently, because by December he had a girlfriend in North Carolina. I can't blame him; it never would've worked. I wasn't crushed, but it still hurt. But then--

In January I e-mailed Aaron back and forth a few times ... and I'd always had kind of a crush on him, because, once again, he was foreign and exotic and punk rock and extremely cute (okay, freakin hot, but that's beside the point =P). I know for a fact that there was one show where I was pretty much the only girl, and I was standing down front with all the boys, and they all threw their arms around each other's shoulders ... and Aaron threw his around mine. :D! I did a dance of joy in my head. And the rest of that show I kept falling down so he would pick me up. Oh, tee hee. Tee hee hee hee ... hee. =)

At the end of February we started e-mailing each other every day, and I realized that I definitely had a crush on him (it happened when Philip said "You know, if he e-mails you that much, he probably has a crush on you," and I went, "sooo?"--in that 'heck yes!' voice). The intrigue grew from there, until ... you all know the rest of that story. ;)

I thought I was in love a thousand times before--tragic, unrequited, incredibly romantic to my fifteen-year-old-mind love. But fact of the matter is that every day I find out another shade to it. Love, as I have been discovering, isn't being obsessed with somebody--it's ... a lot more than that. I couldn't explain it.

You know, and this is going to sound incredibly cheesy--all those times before I was looking for love. One day I told God that I would let him send someone my way and stop worrying about it. Well, I didn't actually stop worrying about it--actively trying to find a crush--until my senior year, and then ... love found me. And I never could've called it. =) Not in a thousand years.

Dude.

2008-05-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

I think that I saw Stormy (Aaron's ex-girlfriend ... the crazy one) at the gas station yesterday. It caught me completely off guard. In all fairness, I didn't get a really good look at her and I haven't actually seen her in person before (just MySpace pictures), but it really did look like her. There were a couple things that seemed off, so it might've been someone else, but yeah. It was weird. I wasn't filled with hate, but I was like, if it was her ... then that would've been the first time she'd really seen me, too. A year later. A year later, and me and Aaron are still together. I can't deny it, I'm a woman and I am trying to prove something--namely, yes, we're still together, and we're still happy. You have not won. =P

But, like I said, I don't know if it was actually her or not. I keep saying that I'm just waiting for the blog on her MySpace that says "hey, I saw my ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend the other day." Note that she couldn't say "new" girlfriend because me and Aaron and have been dating for over a year. =P I win. Or something.

Things I have learned at the library

2008-05-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

1. There are a lot of books at the library. Seems like an understatement, but I don't think you get a firm grasp of just how many books there are until you stop looking for just the ones you want and start putting up every book that needs to be reshelved. Then, when you stop and think about it, you realize how many people's hopes and dreams line the shelves--I'm an author myself, and I can't even imagine any of my stuff getting published, let alone people actually reading it. There are a lot of dreams tied up in all those books.

2. Everyone has something to say about everything. Go to any section screaming for advice--weddings, marriages, divorces, adolescence, child raising, being sexually satisified (in your marriage or otherwise), health, weight loss, religion, philosophy, politics, theories of government (and those are just the ones I thought of off the top of my head)--and there are five thousand different people who all have something to say about why they have finally gotten it right where thosuands of others have failed. After looking at several books, I came to the conclusion (realization?) that pretty much, you just have to wing it. I don't think anyone really knows what they're doing, and if you do, then you probably need to place yourself somewhere where you don't know what's going on. Take marriage. Man, the idea of that can be pretty freakin scary--I'm supposed to pick only one person to spend the rest of my life with, and I have to make it withstand work, home, friends, not friends, maybe school, children, parents, siblings, in-laws, and not even mentioning the everyday pressures of life? That seems like a sucky choice to force somebody to make; but at the same time, it's like it's something that you have to do. And you better not screw it up, buddy. Everyone has their own opinion on how to make it work.

But after reading a couple of books (sorry, I get bored when I'm straightening shelves for two hours), I realized: All I can do is wing it. Yes, I want to get married, but not for the reason I listed above (which is how I used to view the whole marriage thing, once upon a time). It's kind of like--well, I gave up on the quasi-marriage idea that I used to hold on to, and now it seems more like something you do because you actually want to spend the rest of your life with someone, not because you just have to suck it up and pick somebody as a rite of passage or something. (I should probably add: This is only my personal view of it; I doubt that everybody thinks the same way I do. So this ramble is all highly personalized to me.) So ... yeah. Still want to get married. A lot of pressure is off, because it's more like, I want to spend the rest of my life with this person--isn't marriage how you formally go about doing that? So yes.

3. Did I mention that there are a lot of books in the library? ...

Actually, that's about it ... yeah.

Magical day

2008-05-20T08:06:00.000-07:00

I went and saw Aaron yesterday ... well, really, I went on Sunday and spent the night at his parents' house and came back for work yesterday. It's so much easier than having to drive back to Abilene, plus I get to see him an extra day. Plus I get to see him in his jammies and secretly take pictures of him while he's sleeping. =P That's a secret, because he was completely passed out when I took a picture of him. ;)

Anyway. The only downside is that the longer I hang out with him, the more I get used to him physically being there, and the harder it is to say goodbye. =( I didn't cry either time where I only got to see him for a day. Every time I spend the night I bawl all the way to Eastland when I leave his house. (But he's on to me now, he calls so that I'll feel better and I won't cry ... cleverpants. =P)

But I had a good time. It was another one of those magical days. On Sunday we just sat around, and at one point we tried to go swimming (that pool was freaking cold!), and we watched a lot of TV ... oh, and had steak and baked potatoes for dinner. It was amazing. And before dinner we went to WalMart and bought Dr Pepper, steak sauce, and a pair of shorts. He looks really good in shorts. I hope he's not self-conscious or anything ...

Later we stayed up until 2 or 2:30 (that's when I went to bed, anyway; he said he didn't fall asleep for another hour after that) and woke up at around 9:30 before promptly going back to sleep til 11. Or at least he went back to sleep til 11 and I sat around until he woke up. That was when I took the picture of him on my phone. Tee hee. =P But after that we just sat around for a while, and eventually we got up and got dressed (well, I got dressed, but he likes to sit around in his pajama pants) and ate lunch and watched "3:10 to Yuma." Awesome movie, you should all watch it. But after that I had to leave and come back to Abilene because I had work at 5. :(

But it's okay ... I'm going to see him this Sunday/Monday, too, but I have Monday off because it's Memorial Day. So I get to see him for two whole days. =) Then again, it's the last time I'll get to see him for around a month, because on May 30th he's going on tour ... =( I'm sad that I won't get to see him for that long, but you know, I'm really happy that he's getting to go. I wish that I could, too, but it isn't possible. Maybe one day I will.

I dunno. But it's worth it to watch him follow his dream. That's what I always want to tell him, because he knows that I'm going to be sad and miss him too much for words, but I also want him to know that I'm happy that he gets to follow his dream ...

Yeah. Just, yeah.

I was doing good.

2008-05-17T11:50:00.001-07:00

I have, for the most part, stopped caring about Stormy by now. She has left Aaron (and me, I guess) alone for long enough that my flaming anger has subsided into mostly apathy. I can actually look at her MySpace page without my blood pressure skyrocketing, which is a start. It'd probably be worse if I ever actually saw her in person, but that's probably not going to happen, so I'm not going to worry about it.

The closest I've ever come is seeing her little sister and couple of guys walking down the side of the highway in Ranger once. We were in Aaron's car; we had just dropped his sister off at their mom's friend's house and were pulling back onto Loop 254 when Aaron pulled over to the shoulder of the road. I didn't even realize what was happening at first. Then I saw these three kids walking, and I was like, Oh, he probably knows them. He chatted with them for a couple minutes before we pulled back on the highway and went on our way again ... it was then that he was like, "I would've offered them a ride, but that was Stormy's little sister." And I was just quiet for a moment. About all I could say was, "Oh." Stormy's little sister had been in on the whole plot of last summer wherein they created a fake MySpace page and sent me an e-mail insinuating that Aaron had been cheating on me with some nonexistent girl (the e-mail was something to the effect of "So, how long have you and Aaron been dating? Because some stuff kind of happened at the beginning of summer and ... well, he's messing with one of our heads, and I just want to know whose!" But with worse grammar, spelling, and punctuation). Lucky for all of us involved, I knew that Aaron wasn't cheating on me (but I was pretty darn confused and upset about the source of the e-mail, because at the time I didn't know that Stormy and her sister had created a fake MySpace; I thought it was some random crazy girl). When I found out who had sent me the e-mail I cursed a blue streak. Up and down. For several days. I was pissed off. I already didn't like her (it's that jealous streak inherent in women), but this new turn of events really gave me a reason to hate her. And hate her I did. Like I said, I couldn't even look at her MySpace page without my blood pressure skyrocketing. Then, fast forward to last semester (Fall 08), when I'm walking to concert band one day and Aaron calls me to tell me that she keyed his car. And he knew that she did it because she was sort of kind of with one of his friends at the time, and the guy saw her do it. That really pissed me off (and prompted the infamous declaration "I'll kick her f-ckin -ss!", here bleeped for the kiddies). I was not happy. Here she said on her MySpace that she was absolutely in love with Handsome-Face-Number-569, but for some reason she couldn't let go of Aaron enough to stop messing with him.

But you know what? Nothing's happened since then, and, a year and a month (just about) after me and Aaron first started dating, I don't think that I'm going to lose him anytime soon. So I realized just now that I just don't care anymore. She's not an issue. I think I finally realized that she's not a threat, and since she hasn't done anything to try and hurt anyone I love (the number-one way to get on my bad side) in a very long time, I stopped caring. Granted, if she started messing with him again I'd put firecrackers in her mailbox in a heartbeat. (Well, Ana knows I'm all talk and no game, so I'd at least want to put firecrackers in her mailbox really bad. =P)

Granted, when I looked at her old blogs (so sue me! Jealous women feel this inescapable need to investigate) and saw really old comments left by Aaron, it still hurt. A lot. But I also realize that that has absolutely no bearing on the present, so I haven't worried about it. I'm pretty sure that I've got him and I'll have him for a while. ;) Not too worried about that. So ... yeah. I guess time heals all wounds or something. Or people just stop caring after a while.

Oh, the rampant jealousy.

2008-05-16T11:38:00.000-07:00

I am rampantly jealous of people who actually get to see their boyfriends on a regular basis. For a while there I was okay, he lived in Abilene, I could turn my jealousies to other matters (you're always jealous about something, or at least I am--it just might be something small); but then he moved back, and then I think I became twice as jealous as before. It doesn't help that the person (people) I'm most jealous of are getting married at the end of this year. That really just ups the jealousy ante; then I'm just like, "Oh, well, isn't that grand and magnificent. Some of us still have three more years of college before we can even consider such a thing ..." And even then I haven't told anyone besides Aaron and Ana (and, I think, Michelle) that I'm pretty sure I'm going to marry him someday. I don't even want to bring that up to anybody, because (1) They can think it if they want to, but I won't tell 'em, and (2) Somebody's going to go off on the "pray for a nice Christian boy" tangent and I'm just going to get angry again. That is my biggest pet peeve, even more annoying than people who complain about not getting to see their boyfriend for only one night out of the week (hold on ... I've done that before ... dangit). I usually just keep my mouth shut, because people mean well (they're just trying to say "find someone with the same values as yourself," more or less, I think). But I don't want to tell anybody for risk that I'll get some dead-serious face and, "But he isn't Christian."

So what? I haven't sat here and prayed my whole life for God to send me some Christian Prince Charming on a white horse; as a matter of fact, I've never had a list. Not for years, in any event. I gave that up years ago and I said, "Okay, God, I'm going to wait for you to bring me somebody ..." And you know what? I think that he has. So there.

... and this whole rant sprang up just from the rampant jealousy. The point here is, I'm insanely jealous of people (which kills me double, because it's not like I hate them; as a matter of fact, I'm quite happy that they're getting married), and it's driving me insane. I can't even see my boyfriend but once a week, and here in about two weeks I'm not going to get to see him for a month. A month. Four weeks. It's not that I'm afraid I'm going to lose him in that time, or that I'm going to start liking someone else or something, I'm just going to miss him. A lot. And then he might be gone for another month or even two after that; but I won't even find that out til the end of June.

He leaves May 30th. He gets back at the end of June--when exactly, I'm not sure. And after that they might go on a Texas tour and maybe even head off to the West Coast for another monthlong tour. And then he's going to get back, he won't have any money, I'll be holding down a job and I won't really have time to go see him ... that's what I worry about.

I miss him. I miss him so much. I at least get to see him on Sunday, and then the week after that; but then he's going to be gone for a month, and I'll hardly even get to talk to him on the phone because of roaming charges (the East Coast!), and I'll [hopefully] get a letter every once in a while, and maybe every now and then I'll be lucky and get an e-mail.

A month. Four weeks. It doesn't seem so long when you look at it, but when you're living it--when you're counting down the days for it to be over--it seems like eternity. It's even worse when you have to watch everyone else in happy-couple-land all fawning over each other and not having to know how much it hurts to be apart so much ...

I'm not dead yet

2008-05-13T11:14:00.000-07:00

So ... start work tomorrow. Exciting. Dropping my car off to get the leak in the transmission fixed today. VERY EXCITING (it's been leaking for almost a year now). Trying to figure out my work schedule so I can go see Aaron sometime ... not as exciting, but getting to see Aaron is, so I guess that works. =P Going to see everyone at Wild Wings this afternoon. Definitely exciting ...

Yep. So ... I'm still alive. And everybody's getting married, and Ana's having more crazy mishaps in Dallas without me, and I talked to Lyka for the first time in a while today. Not much has happened other than that.

Just sos ya know.

Everything sucks.

2008-05-07T12:05:00.000-07:00

So I just found out that the one day I get to see Aaron in possibly the next two weeks, he has to work. Can't get off. Not his fault; I'm not mad at him at all. I'm incredibly sad because first I realized that I couldn't see him Sunday/Monday (realized Sunday is Mother's Day--probably going to be in Weatherford), and then I was like, okay, I'll see him all day Friday. Come to find out that he's got to work til close on Friday, and I have to leave Ranger by 9 (because 1, I have to leave that early to stay awake on the drive home, and 2, I told Caitlyn I'd do something with her for her birthday, and I hardly ever get to hang out with her anymore ...). So that gives me ... three hours to see him. Three freaking hours. 168 hours in the week, and I actually get to see him for three. Is a day too much to ask for? Is six freaking hours too much to ask for? What about four? Anything more than three. I don't know the last time I only got to see him for only three hours. It kills me. I wait all week watching people snuggle on the couches downstairs with their in-town boyfriends who they get to see whenever they want, and then I come to find out that I only get to see my boyfriend for three hours out of possibly two weeks ...

And it's just compounded by the fact that this is my last weekend before I start a new job. This is probably one of the last chances I'm going to have to get to see him for any extended period of time ... granted, I don't know for sure, because I haven't found out my work schedule yet. I do only work 20 hours a week. The question is just when ... I'd rather work three six- to seven-hour days and have the other four off than work four hours a day over five days ...

Maybe I'm too picky. I don't know. I don't know. I just want to get to see Aaron.

All of this added on to the fact that it's right before he leaves on tour. This would be the time when I'm trying to cram in the most time with him, before I don't get to see him for one or two or maybe even three months ... but no, things keep going wrong, my plans keep falling through, I'm left here staring at my schedule like it's a house of cards that's just been knocked over by a draft. Not to mention that he doesn't have any money to come see me, and understandably so; and by the time he actually does have money to come to Abilene, it'll be time for him to go on tour, and then I won't see him for God knows how long ... =(

I can't go by at two tomorrow; I'll already be in Dallas. The only way this would work would be if we picked you up and took you with us when you got off work, and I could have you back in Eastland by the time you needed to go to work on Friday. It just won't work. It's not your fault. This weekend is just so complicated. But it's my last chance to go visit you for any lengthy period of time, and I don't even have that. Everything sucks.

Blahdy blah blah.

2008-05-04T21:56:00.000-07:00

So the whole leaving the church thing. You think that it doesn't still hurt me? I know that something's wrong. I can feel that something is a little off. But the rest of us are just trying to pick up the pieces and go on with our lives. I love you like family still--I respect your decision to leave--I would still run up and hug you on the street--but we can't all leave.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I'll change my mind when something happens to me. But I've already decided that I don't know what's going on, so the only people I'm going to trust are in my immediate family. My dad sat me down and gave me the straight dope as he knew it, and I trust him. I'm not saying that anyone in particular is a liar; I think more than anything that there are a thousand stories floating around, and nobody is really sure what's going on. I honestly think that you mean the best. But I don't know what's going on, and I really do feel as if God has called me to stay at this church, and so I cannot leave like rats fleeing a sinking ship.

In a few years I will probably be gone anyway, in all honesty. I have the wanderlust. When I get out of college, I think that I'll wander for a while before I figure out what exactly what I want to do. So it goes like that: Get married, probably, and then wander with him for a while until I figure something out, or God tells me Stage 2 of the plan. I don't know. Stage 1, as far as I know, is to go to Hardin-Simmons and finish my theology degree, and after that I'm not sure what's going to happen.

But while I have felt that something is wrong, and I kind of placed my finger on it--we've been torn apart, we're trying to pick up the pieces, I think that there have been wounds placed on my heart that might never heal--and we're just missing that fire that we used to have. It's hard to figure out what exactly is wrong. Whatever it is, the lethargy has taken over me, too, and it can be hard to fight on Wednesdays ...

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't love anybody any less for leaving, and I don't love anybody any less for staying. This whole situation just hurts. :( And unfortunately, it's such that I don't think I'll ever quite figure it out. But life goes on whether I want it to or not ... might as well jump aboard for the ride.

Yep.

Feeling contemplative

2008-05-01T18:37:00.000-07:00

Doesn't really matter what I write, Ana's the only person who might read this. Or Aaron if I pointed him in this direction. Right now I think that I'm the only person reading these entires though. That's perfectly fine by me.

And this entry isn't as dramatic as it sounds, really. I'm just feeling contemplative. Hence the title, I reckon.

Yep. All the old youth group stuff. You know what? I wish that things could be the same as they were before, sure, but I've moved on. I've had to. I still miss everybody. I still miss Shawn. I miss jumping off chairs and having insane worship and maintaining the status quo or whatever--but that's all I was doing after he left; I was maintaining the status quo, trying to comply with some standard of "acceptable-to-Emily Christian" in my head. Only recently has anything even made sense. I don't know why this still hurts so much ...

Maybe that's just it. I know I'm bitter. I should stop dancing around it and post what I mean. Things didn't go the way I wanted them to, and I've never quite gotten over it, I don't think. But then I force myself to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, so to speak, and move on, and swallow things as they are and stop complaining. Not to say things right now are bad; I'm not trashing my church at all. I still love it. I'm just saying ... if I feel any bitterness at all towards people who left, it is my fault, and it is for that reason: I made myself "get over it" and stay, and I--being human--expect everyone to be exactly like me.

So I just pick people apart in my mind. I pick apart philosophies, theologies, how they live--and does it make me any happier? No. I still have a lot of confusion right now. I'm also jealous of people because, once again, my boyfriend lives an hour away, I probably won't finish school for another three years, I don't know what I'm going to do after that, I desperately want to spend the rest of my life with him and I'm jealous of people who are already engaged, for that reason ...

And I read people's blogs on Christianity, about how they live their life, and I pick them apart. What right do I have to do that? I am not God; I can't see a person's heart. Their relationship with God is none of my business anyway, it's between them and God. Maybe part of me is jealous because I'm not perfect. I guess that would make sense. But that's not exactly what I mean ... I just see other people sometimes, and they seem so perfect, and I realize how imperfect I am, and then I get jealous.

I am not a "super Christian" (I almost hate the term super Christian, it seems like it's been overused by people trying to actively not look like "super Christians" or something ...); I am a person. I forget that sometimes. I have to remind myself that I am God's, that there is no way to quantify relationship so you can't compare two different relationships ... there is no such thing as relationship points.

I think I'm feeling philosophical today.

Life is life. Life is for living. I was not put on Earth to try and be a "good Christian." It just so happens that I choose to follow God ... I am part of his new covenant under Jesus Christ; I have been taken from System 1, the world, trying to measure up to standards and living with this constant image of myself in my mind, and placed in System 2, Life, freedom, accepting my identity from Christ--and not having to try to break out of System 1, because this is grace, this is mercy, this is not justice and it is not logical ...

Guess stuff makes more sense in that light. I have to remind myself of that or I go crazy and start trying to live up to standards again ...

God has called me. I know he has. I might be living in a cheap apartment and touring the country nine months out of the year (I'm pretty sure I'd be happy that way ...); I might be recording the culture and the people and the places I encounter, be it through writing or drawing, and that might be how I make a living. Maybe I will become a youth minister someday (I'm not sure; I think that thought originally crossed my mind because it seemed like a secure job for a theology degree ... but I have not been called to security); maybe it will just happen in an odd, roundabout sort of way. I think that God has called me to wander. At least for a while. At least for my first few years out of college. I want to grow up, and finish school, and at some point marry Aaron, and wander with him, because I have been called out to speak to the punks ... that sounds so odd when I put in writing ... but it's true.

That's what I am; maybe God had a hand in making me a punk. Maybe he just let me develop on my own, and this is how I turned out--either way, I wouldn't change a thing. But I know that he called me once, and every time I try to figure out what I'm going to do when I graduate, I feel that calling more strongly than ever. That's not to say that I might not settle down later in life, because you never know what's going to happen. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

First blog

2008-04-30T14:29:00.000-07:00

Yep. So I started blogging cause I felt like it. This probably isn't going to be particularly intelligent; it's just fun to write stuff down. Not gonna lie.

So my stomach just started hurting out of nowhere. I wonder if it was the chicken at Arby's. I hope it isn't. I don't feel like getting sick right now.

I feel like making a list because Ana (roommate) does a lot. What should I make a list of? Random memories that I miss, in no particular order:

1. The Transplants. I just watched the videos for "Diamonds and Guns" and "DJ DJ," and memories of my sophomore year of high school came flooding back--going to Warped Tour with Wyatt and Clarence, seeing the Transplants, driving to Dallas ... good times. I kinda wish I had that CD. I forgot what a good song "DJ DJ" is. Makes me happy.

2. The olden days of shows. Me and Aaron were talking one night about shows back in the olden days, and I kind of miss it. Entirely different people on the scene back then ... not saying it's bad now, I just kind of wish I could go back in time and visit for old times' sake or something. I had a good time at those shows. Apparently I also met Aaron more than once, and I only vaguely remember it. =P I've always had one of those "Hey, that guy's pretty cute ..." crushes on him, long before we were ever dating. I'll admit it.

3. "We're gonna make it on our own--we don't need anyone ..." Sorry, "DJ DJ" is stuck in my head. Such a good song.

4. SkaSkank. I had such interesting times in that band. Granted, I realize that zombie SkaSkank should never be resurrected, but once again, this is something I would like to go back in time just to visit for old times' sake. At least I can honestly say that this band changed my life. I doubt that I'd be the same person I am today without this period in my life.

5. The night I saw Catch 22. That was my first show outside of Abilene. It was pretty darn cool.

6. The most magical weekend of my life (April 20 - April 23, 2007). What happened: Friday, April 20th, I went on my first date with Aaron; Saturday, April 21st, I went to my senior prom with one of my buddies from high school (we just went as friends); Sunday, April 22nd, I saw the Nekromantix in Dallas and ran into Josh Fleming again for the first time in around two years; and Monday, April 23rd, Aaron asked me out. =) That truly was a magical weekend. Sandwiched on both ends by Aaron. That's what made it so magical. ;)

7. State UIL sophomore, junior, and senior years. I always had fun on those trips ... Mrs. Clark (my Social Studies UIL coach) took my picture with the swans at the hotel we stayed in. Yes, it was that ritzy, it had live swans in a fountain on the ground floor. =P

8. Cruising around listening to Mustard Plug every spring.

9. Days with the old youth group. Not to say that I don't like the youth group now, because I love 'em all; once again, this is one of those things that I'd go back in time to visit just for old times' sake. I miss all the faces that I haven't seen in a while. That youth group formed so much of who I am ... or rather, it allowed me to see that I don't really know who I am--but God does. And it worked out. It's all crazy.

I think that I've run out of things to write for now. =P Oh well, it's 4:42; it'll be time to go to church soon. That works. This is Emily signing out for now.